“Our models at NASA had tracked this collision the whole time,” noted Gilbert Sullivan, a noted scientist at NASA. “We just never really looked.”

The discovery of the soon apocalyptic collision was not made by a scientist… or even an astronomy buff, but rather Gil Hodges, a utility worker from Tempe, Arizona. “I was just looking up at the night sky, while I was camping in Sedona. Then I noticed this huge red sphere, about three times the size of the Moon. I thought that looked different.”

Indeed, the planets Mars has been getting larger in the sky for the past three years during its fateful, destructive and up to five days ago unforeseen collision track with Earth.

“We really should have noticed sometime around when Mars was half the size of the Moon in the sky,” commented Jurgen Smullven of a Stockholm University. “The irony is that we were watching this asteroid because we thought it may come within a few Moon - Earth distances to our orbit,” he noted with a chuckle.

Regardless why the scientists never saw this coming, the impact this Saturday will most certainly annihilate both planets, leaving nothing behind but a huge debris of rubble similar to that of the asteroid belt that exists between Jupiter and Mars.

“We’d run simulations on this scenario, find out how it will finish, what caused it, but that’d take five days to do,” said Gilbert Sullivan. “Oh well, can’t win them all.”

“Everything in the Bible is right,” said Stephan Hawkings, one of the most notable astrophysicists ever. “We thought we had it all figured out, but we didn’t. We were fooling, no lying to ourselves. We were full of crap.”

This startling revelation came from a simple meager beginning.

Three months ago, Stan Hulet of Topeka, Kansas had no real intention of turning the science world on its head, but with a single post at a web board on the Internet, he did just that. Without even a minute of classroom experience in thermodynamics or physics, he listed off a few interesting questions. The most notable was “If the universe began, what caused it?” In addition, a similar minded comment of “The second law of Thermodynamics means evolution can’t be true” truly set off a wave of contesting views.

But quickly, those on the web board began to see the truth. And from there, the insight trickled from web board to web board until it gained attention at universities and then at the world’s most technical labs.

The famous CERN LHC was shut down not two months after the OP that asked “Is it just ‘coincidence’ that atoms stay together (the same charges)?”

Jane Goodall, world renowned for her work with chimpanzees remarked similarly. “If evolution is true, why are there still monkeys?”

Former Atheist and now born-again Christan Richard Dawkins noted, “Everything we needed to know was in the Bible. It tells us that wind blows.”

With respect as to how all the technology that appears to work regardless that all the science behind it has been debunked was answered by Hawking. “It is god. He let us believe we found answers to how the universe worked, but we now know that it is all bunk and that it was god that made these technologies work.”

2) All things must be caused in order to exist

3) Therefore the universe must have a cause

4) God is defined as something that we have never quite verified as actually being real, but exists nonetheless

5) God doesn’t have to deal with part 2 of this proof

6) Therefore God doesn’t need to have been created to exist

7) Therefore God has to be the creator of the universe

No really, people buy this as a logical argument for god.

“Overall, the Theme Park was safe,” noted long time OSHA inspector Dan Wallace. “Railings, paved walking areas, structures were all great. Based on this, we were stunned once we hit the last part of the inspection… a show with whales.”

The OSHA inspection team watched the show in horror as Sea World employees were literally breaking hundreds of OSHA codes including, but not limited to “Handling heavy equipment", “Being propelled on the nose of a large mammal", “Swimming with something that can kill you without even trying".

“No wonder someone died here in a whale related accident. They are swimming with those fucking beasts! What are they stupid?!” noted Teresa Smith, of OSHA. “Might as well have a Great White Shark expo too.”

OSHA announced a $70,000 fine for Sea World regarding their workers swimming with Killer Whales.

“That’ll show ‘em,” finished Teresa Smith.

————————————————————

This parody is based on this read world article.

“Brett Favre wants to thank his fans, but states that he has come to grips with the fact that he can’t say no to football, and with his increasing age, his ability to control his desire, can come to a tragic end. We hope that you keep Favre in your thoughts during this ordeal.”

Brett Farve leads the NFL in most career touchdowns, career yards thrown, career victories and for “Most dumbass, slap your forehead, throws during critical moments".

Brett Favre’s entering of an addiction facility follows what is clearly the most bizarre of football stories, a player that can’t quit. If Farve plays two more seasons, he would become the first NFL player ever to be eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame while still playing in the league. Favre, who has been receiving Social Security checks for three years now, is the only player in the NFL that dates to before the merger of the AFL and NFL.

“Really? I thought that was a SNL skit or something,” noted Cal Risdall, who was enjoying a tailgate party before the Patriots game.

“Seriously? Didn’t Peyton Manning win the MVP at the last Super Bowl?” asked Tom Witherspoon of Minot, North Dakota who was visiting the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

A Gallup poll indicated that only residents of Indiana and Louisiana actually remembered who won the Super Bowl. Residents in other states typically said The Colts won by a 7 to 2 margin.

John Hopkins’ lead professor in Psychology had the poll completed in order to see whether people would remember such an unlikely event.

“In such instances where such an unlikely event could happen, odd psychological issues can develop,” noted Dr. Paul Rogers of John Hopkin’s University. “We expected some forgetfulness, however we were stunned as to the extent.”

There was a surprising result of the polling. While people in general couldn’t remember the actual winner, they could recall the commercials shown, which would indicate that blackouts hadn’t occurred.

“The most surprising part of the research was the commercial recall,” noted Dr. Rogers. “This would seem to indicate a survival mechanism was activated for the viewers, in order to keep their minds from devolving into a perpetual state of shock over such an unlikely win.”

With several months passed since the unlikely event of the Saints winning, people are slowly coming back to the reality that New Orleans, not Indianapolis won the Super Bowl.

When asked if America could withstand New Orleans repeating, Dr. Rogers noted that the result could be “catastrophic, however, not as bad as if the Lions were to win.”

Of the 131 people on board, only one died, despite the plane breaking into three pieces on the runway. Many, including the Governor of the Resort Island referred to this as a “miracle".

God quickly released a statement noting: “While I am pleased that those who were killed in this accident were limited, I can not take credit for these turn of events. I was appearing in a taco in Belize at the time. I’m only god, I can’t be everywhere at the same time.”

There is speculation that this statement release is related to a lawsuit that God is under right now from Lady Luck. Lady Luck is claiming that God has taken the credit for many happenstances of great fortune that were the results of her efforts, not his. It is unknown whether Lady Luck was involved in this incident.

“It wasn’t a surprise,” noted John Becker of Goldman Sachs. “We knew the Fed was going to meet and discuss how best to deal with the economy. But we just felt optimistic.”

The Fed isn’t actually expected to change anything, as they will leave interest rates at the same position they have been for almost two years. Fed may discuss printing more money because despite the low interest rate, inflation has yet to appear. But analysts knew this last week and yesterday.

Gold was seeing a sell off, being down nearly $10 an ounce. “Yeah, there really isn’t any reason to sell gold right now,” noted Jack Spiegal, a NYMEX commodities trader. “The Fed policy really won’t change and it isn’t like we don’t already know the economy is hurting… but we are selling off any way.”

The market is expected to open higher tomorrow because of optimism over nothing.

“Yeah, because we sold off today, we’ll probably go up tomorrow. Sure, we listen to the economic numbers and know the economy is really stuck at a low plateau, but we’ll feel optimistic and buy,” stated Jack Zuckerman of E-Trade.

However, the market is expected to finish flat by the end of the week because it is really warm outside. “When it gets into the 90’s, we usually sell off at the end of the week,” remarked Jack Spiegal. “It isn’t like we don’t know what is going on, we rather just call it an early day. Sell off early and head home.”

The hosts of the 2014 World Cup are certainly facing an uphill challenge, however, they will have had over 4 years to develop new techniques for annoying noises. “Since the Confederation Cup, it became quickly apparent that just chanting and flares in the stadiums wouldn’t be enough to be annoying,” noted Brazilian head on Tourism Luiz Barreto. “So we’ve looked at a multi-path approach.”

Barreto noted that the development of a portable Theramin would be at mass production stage in three years, more than a full year before the 2014 World Cup in case additional annoying developments can be incorporated.

“One place that I don’t believe has been properly exploited is that announcer booth,” noted Barreto. “This is why we plan on having several shrieking Chachalacas in each announcer booth, just to allow the viewers to be as annoyed as possible.”

Whether these developments will be able to up the sonic displeasure of the South Africa World Cup can only be known with time. Brazil said they would begin deploying their technologies the year before the Cup in their domestic leagues.

“South Africa showed us that the beautiful game can coexist with the most annoying of sounds. We are pleased to hear that Brazil is interested in testing the boundaries of that,” noted FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

So I am protesting and will only use Caucasian Roman Numerals from now on. Pi will now be equal to III.IIVIVIX. Long division will be a snap too! X / III = III.IIIIIIIII… LV² = MMMXV. Polynomials? x^II + IVx + IV can be rearranged to (x + II)(x + II). This is really simple stuff.

And what is the whole point of zero in this Arabic numeral system anyway? Whatever you do with it, funks up the math. Multiply, divide… it is a numeric hermaphrodite! And I don’t need no French Islamic Apologist Hopital to make up rules to fix errors in their retarded numeric system!

So join me in this war that is being waged with our children and stop this madness. It is bad enough that the Qu’ran is required reading in English class. Don’t let these Extremo Islamofascists take our math too!

While not knowing the creators of the product, an accusation was made that the makers of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” were a “bunch of fucking retards” and wouldn’t be capable of designing a “god damn hole in the wall". The person then alluded that he could “make a better fucking one in his sleep".

In addition, the operator of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” noted that he would calm down if “…the fucking idiots that made this god damn thing died and burned in hell.”

The “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” apparently began working properly, today, after it was determined that the electrical strip it was plugged into wasn’t, itself, plugged in. Regarding the cause of that, the operator noted “How the fuck should I know?”

It is currently unknown if the hole in the wall within the vicinity of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” was the result of the operator yesterday or possibly because of the “Fucking waste of time” device that “should be thrown out the fucking apartment window” three weeks ago.

Meanwhile, the Manchester United organization is attempting to determine how they signed the Basketball star in the first place. As of now, a misunderstanding is being blamed. “We are looking into how this could have happened,” stated Buck Darlington, spokesman for the Red Devils. “We recently hired a new scout and there are some signs pointing to inexperience being the cause.”

Manchester United has a high bar set for success and despite finishing second in the Premier League, there was little appreciation of the accomplishment especially in light of not making it to the Champions League Final or winning a domestic cup.

As a response, Alex Ferguson noted at a press conference that he told a new scout that he wanted him to go out and sign “the world’s greatest player” in order to become champions again. It is believed that this was misunderstood and Lebron James was signed.

Now with Lebron James, the Red Devils will have more depth at the Power Forward position, though some critics wonder how valuable that would actually be.

Chris Grant of the Cavaliers noted, “It is sad to see our organization lose such a talent, but we wish him the best in his new venture in English Football.”

The global nations feared and trembled against the might of the North Korean squad which was led by our confident and wise leader Kim Jung-il. The undeniable victors took the lead in the final just 25 seconds after the starting whistle, where a brilliant crossing pass from the wing was slammed into the back of the net with a crushing header by our Fearless Leader.

After the goal, Germany became meek and realized their inconsequential talent was no match for the North Korean spirit and superior talent.

The victory capped off a dominant performance where North Korea conceded no goals, making it the ninth World Cup in a row where north Korea’s Defense and Goaltending remained as perfect as our nation.

A parade to celebrate their victory will be held in three weeks, after their global tour to mock the world and their ignorant condemnation of our great and preeminent country. Attendance is mandatory.

That was followed by cheers and jeers, taunting the Obama Presidency.

“Well, it’d help to have Executive Experience before taking a job at the Oval Office.”

More laughs and cheers.

“Well, feel free to call me Obama. I know all about that. I can give you some advice. I know how to quit when it gets tough.”

————————

Well, it didn’t quite go like that. Why can’t she just fade off into obscurity?!

“This is really exciting,” noted Carrie Witherington, a biologist that works for BP. This will be the first time in well over a decade we’ll have a plethora of species to study to determine the benefits of oil spills.

“The Exxon Valdez spill, while large, just lacked the widespread influence on a larger area of the ecosystem that this spill is offering us,” stated Cal Smith of Exxon. “Simply put, literally tens of thousands of species will be affected by the spill and possibly gain the potential benefits of oil sterilization.

The Exxon Valdez spill taught scientists a valuable set of lessons. While a numbers of animals died from the spill, it wasn’t without its benefits.

“Our studies indicated that oil sterilized animals were at a significantly lower risk of dying from complications of old age,” noted Smith. “In addition, animals that were within the zone of oil, also were at a substantially lower risk of being eaten by a predator. The benefits of knowing this are huge, especially in the field of attempting to revive populations of endangered species.

“If we apply oil sterilization to endangered species, that could very well mean that their species won’t go extinct because of predators.”

Other benefits appeared to be as useful. “Otters from the Valdez spill had a new ability to defend their food from other animals,” noted Witherington. “Clams and oysters just stuck to the bodies of otters that were sterilized with oil, making it near impossible for birds or even other otters to take the food away. This would also be beneficial because it would allow an otter to be able to pick up food without compromising their speed and ability to move both in the water and on land.”

Janice Fuller, the senior Biologist at Marathon Oil has become the industry’s leading researcher on fish. “A large concern for the globe is the over fishing of our oceans. Thanks to the Exxon oil spill, the overfishing off the coast of Alaska stopped and there was little need to worry about the fish populations becoming depleted because of overfishing.”

The value of oil spills on the environment as determined by studies in the Gulf will not be known for a few years as Oil Industry scientists begin to pile through the volumes of data that is certain to come from the studies of birds, fish and mammals. Cal Smith had high hopes. “Personally, I’m looking forward to the study of birds and determining the changing of nesting habits if a bird’s eggs or young children can stick to the mother, allowing her to fly about without worrying of the security at the nest.”