SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL – With the closing of the FIFA World Cup in South Africa, the bar for annoying noises that constantly blare in the stadiums and on the television screens has been risen to an almost unbeatable level, however Brazil says they are up to the challenge.

The hosts of the 2014 World Cup are certainly facing an uphill challenge, however, they will have had over 4 years to develop new techniques for annoying noises. “Since the Confederation Cup, it became quickly apparent that just chanting and flares in the stadiums wouldn’t be enough to be annoying,” noted Brazilian head on Tourism Luiz Barreto. “So we’ve looked at a multi-path approach.”

Barreto noted that the development of a portable Theramin would be at mass production stage in three years, more than a full year before the 2014 World Cup in case additional annoying developments can be incorporated.

“One place that I don’t believe has been properly exploited is that announcer booth,” noted Barreto. “This is why we plan on having several shrieking Chachalacas in each announcer booth, just to allow the viewers to be as annoyed as possible.”

Whether these developments will be able to up the sonic displeasure of the South Africa World Cup can only be known with time. Brazil said they would begin deploying their technologies the year before the Cup in their domestic leagues.

“South Africa showed us that the beautiful game can coexist with the most annoying of sounds. We are pleased to hear that Brazil is interested in testing the boundaries of that,” noted FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

Well, I’ve decided that I am finally sick of the disease that exists today in public schools. I found out today that they actually teach our children arabic numerals… as if you ever need to know arabic numerals. That is just garbage. It is bad enough that they teach kids in school that Communism is revered and that our Founding Fathers were devils and that evolution proves that you can have sex and abortions at the age of 14. But Arabic numberals? What’s next? Sharia law?!

So I am protesting and will only use Caucasian Roman Numerals from now on. Pi will now be equal to III.IIVIVIX. Long division will be a snap too! X / III = III.IIIIIIIII… LV² = MMMXV. Polynomials? x^II + IVx + IV can be rearranged to (x + II)(x + II). This is really simple stuff.

And what is the whole point of zero in this Arabic numeral system anyway? Whatever you do with it, funks up the math. Multiply, divide… it is a numeric hermaphrodite! And I don’t need no French Islamic Apologist Hopital to make up rules to fix errors in their retarded numeric system!

So join me in this war that is being waged with our children and stop this madness. It is bad enough that the Qu’ran is required reading in English class. Don’t let these Extremo Islamofascists take our math too!

OFFICE DEN, HOME — A “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” or sometimes referred to a “Fucking Waste of Money” is now reportedly working just fine today. Yesterday, the “God Damn Piece of Shit” was reportedly “Fucking Broken” and “…not doing a fucking thing".

While not knowing the creators of the product, an accusation was made that the makers of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” were a “bunch of fucking retards” and wouldn’t be capable of designing a “god damn hole in the wall". The person then alluded that he could “make a better fucking one in his sleep".

In addition, the operator of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” noted that he would calm down if “…the fucking idiots that made this god damn thing died and burned in hell.”

The “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” apparently began working properly, today, after it was determined that the electrical strip it was plugged into wasn’t, itself, plugged in. Regarding the cause of that, the operator noted “How the fuck should I know?”

It is currently unknown if the hole in the wall within the vicinity of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” was the result of the operator yesterday or possibly because of the “Fucking waste of time” device that “should be thrown out the fucking apartment window” three weeks ago.

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – In what is being disputed as a mistake by the ownership and Head Coach Sir Alex Ferguson, the premier EPL team Manchester United has signed Lebron James to a deal worth 120 million pounds over the next 4 years.

Meanwhile, the Manchester United organization is attempting to determine how they signed the Basketball star in the first place. As of now, a misunderstanding is being blamed. “We are looking into how this could have happened,” stated Buck Darlington, spokesman for the Red Devils. “We recently hired a new scout and there are some signs pointing to inexperience being the cause.”

Manchester United has a high bar set for success and despite finishing second in the Premier League, there was little appreciation of the accomplishment especially in light of not making it to the Champions League Final or winning a domestic cup.

As a response, Alex Ferguson noted at a press conference that he told a new scout that he wanted him to go out and sign “the world’s greatest player” in order to become champions again. It is believed that this was misunderstood and Lebron James was signed.

Now with Lebron James, the Red Devils will have more depth at the Power Forward position, though some critics wonder how valuable that would actually be.

Chris Grant of the Cavaliers noted, “It is sad to see our organization lose such a talent, but we wish him the best in his new venture in English Football.”