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SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL – With the closing of the FIFA World Cup in South Africa, the bar for annoying noises that constantly blare in the stadiums and on the television screens has been risen to an almost unbeatable level, however Brazil says they are up to the challenge.

The hosts of the 2014 World Cup are certainly facing an uphill challenge, however, they will have had over 4 years to develop new techniques for annoying noises. “Since the Confederation Cup, it became quickly apparent that just chanting and flares in the stadiums wouldn’t be enough to be annoying,” noted Brazilian head on Tourism Luiz Barreto. “So we’ve looked at a multi-path approach.”

Barreto noted that the development of a portable Theramin would be at mass production stage in three years, more than a full year before the 2014 World Cup in case additional annoying developments can be incorporated.

“One place that I don’t believe has been properly exploited is that announcer booth,” noted Barreto. “This is why we plan on having several shrieking Chachalacas in each announcer booth, just to allow the viewers to be as annoyed as possible.”

Whether these developments will be able to up the sonic displeasure of the South Africa World Cup can only be known with time. Brazil said they would begin deploying their technologies the year before the Cup in their domestic leagues.

“South Africa showed us that the beautiful game can coexist with the most annoying of sounds. We are pleased to hear that Brazil is interested in testing the boundaries of that,” noted FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

Well, I’ve decided that I am finally sick of the disease that exists today in public schools. I found out today that they actually teach our children arabic numerals… as if you ever need to know arabic numerals. That is just garbage. It is bad enough that they teach kids in school that Communism is revered and that our Founding Fathers were devils and that evolution proves that you can have sex and abortions at the age of 14. But Arabic numberals? What’s next? Sharia law?!

So I am protesting and will only use Caucasian Roman Numerals from now on. Pi will now be equal to III.IIVIVIX. Long division will be a snap too! X / III = III.IIIIIIIII… LV² = MMMXV. Polynomials? x^II + IVx + IV can be rearranged to (x + II)(x + II). This is really simple stuff.

And what is the whole point of zero in this Arabic numeral system anyway? Whatever you do with it, funks up the math. Multiply, divide… it is a numeric hermaphrodite! And I don’t need no French Islamic Apologist Hopital to make up rules to fix errors in their retarded numeric system!

So join me in this war that is being waged with our children and stop this madness. It is bad enough that the Qu’ran is required reading in English class. Don’t let these Extremo Islamofascists take our math too!

OFFICE DEN, HOME — A “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” or sometimes referred to a “Fucking Waste of Money” is now reportedly working just fine today. Yesterday, the “God Damn Piece of Shit” was reportedly “Fucking Broken” and “…not doing a fucking thing".

While not knowing the creators of the product, an accusation was made that the makers of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” were a “bunch of fucking retards” and wouldn’t be capable of designing a “god damn hole in the wall". The person then alluded that he could “make a better fucking one in his sleep".

In addition, the operator of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” noted that he would calm down if “…the fucking idiots that made this god damn thing died and burned in hell.”

The “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” apparently began working properly, today, after it was determined that the electrical strip it was plugged into wasn’t, itself, plugged in. Regarding the cause of that, the operator noted “How the fuck should I know?”

It is currently unknown if the hole in the wall within the vicinity of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” was the result of the operator yesterday or possibly because of the “Fucking waste of time” device that “should be thrown out the fucking apartment window” three weeks ago.

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – In what is being disputed as a mistake by the ownership and Head Coach Sir Alex Ferguson, the premier EPL team Manchester United has signed Lebron James to a deal worth 120 million pounds over the next 4 years.

Meanwhile, the Manchester United organization is attempting to determine how they signed the Basketball star in the first place. As of now, a misunderstanding is being blamed. “We are looking into how this could have happened,” stated Buck Darlington, spokesman for the Red Devils. “We recently hired a new scout and there are some signs pointing to inexperience being the cause.”

Manchester United has a high bar set for success and despite finishing second in the Premier League, there was little appreciation of the accomplishment especially in light of not making it to the Champions League Final or winning a domestic cup.

As a response, Alex Ferguson noted at a press conference that he told a new scout that he wanted him to go out and sign “the world’s greatest player” in order to become champions again. It is believed that this was misunderstood and Lebron James was signed.

Now with Lebron James, the Red Devils will have more depth at the Power Forward position, though some critics wonder how valuable that would actually be.

Chris Grant of the Cavaliers noted, “It is sad to see our organization lose such a talent, but we wish him the best in his new venture in English Football.”

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – North Korea continued it’s global dominance, this time in the game of football by winning their 10th World Cup, defeating the defiant and irrelevant Germany.

The global nations feared and trembled against the might of the North Korean squad which was led by our confident and wise leader Kim Jung-il. The undeniable victors took the lead in the final just 25 seconds after the starting whistle, where a brilliant crossing pass from the wing was slammed into the back of the net with a crushing header by our Fearless Leader.

After the goal, Germany became meek and realized their inconsequential talent was no match for the North Korean spirit and superior talent.

The victory capped off a dominant performance where North Korea conceded no goals, making it the ninth World Cup in a row where north Korea’s Defense and Goaltending remained as perfect as our nation.

A parade to celebrate their victory will be held in three weeks, after their global tour to mock the world and their ignorant condemnation of our great and preeminent country. Attendance is mandatory.

CASPER, WYOMING – Sarah Palin made a statement during a speech in front of 42 estatic followers in a gymnasium somewhere in Wyoming. “President Obama, I can’t help but notice that things are getting real tough ya in the White House.”

That was followed by cheers and jeers, taunting the Obama Presidency.

“Well, it’d help to have Executive Experience before taking a job at the Oval Office.”

More laughs and cheers.

“Well, feel free to call me Obama. I know all about that. I can give you some advice. I know how to quit when it gets tough.”

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Well, it didn’t quite go like that. Why can’t she just fade off into obscurity?!

SHREVEPORT, LA – While most people are fretting at the environmental damage that is occurring due to the oil spill in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, one group of people are looking forward to the numerous opportunities that may come from the spill, Oil Industry Biologists.

“This is really exciting,” noted Carrie Witherington, a biologist that works for BP. This will be the first time in well over a decade we’ll have a plethora of species to study to determine the benefits of oil spills.

“The Exxon Valdez spill, while large, just lacked the widespread influence on a larger area of the ecosystem that this spill is offering us,” stated Cal Smith of Exxon. “Simply put, literally tens of thousands of species will be affected by the spill and possibly gain the potential benefits of oil sterilization.

The Exxon Valdez spill taught scientists a valuable set of lessons. While a numbers of animals died from the spill, it wasn’t without its benefits.

“Our studies indicated that oil sterilized animals were at a significantly lower risk of dying from complications of old age,” noted Smith. “In addition, animals that were within the zone of oil, also were at a substantially lower risk of being eaten by a predator. The benefits of knowing this are huge, especially in the field of attempting to revive populations of endangered species.

“If we apply oil sterilization to endangered species, that could very well mean that their species won’t go extinct because of predators.”

Other benefits appeared to be as useful. “Otters from the Valdez spill had a new ability to defend their food from other animals,” noted Witherington. “Clams and oysters just stuck to the bodies of otters that were sterilized with oil, making it near impossible for birds or even other otters to take the food away. This would also be beneficial because it would allow an otter to be able to pick up food without compromising their speed and ability to move both in the water and on land.”

Janice Fuller, the senior Biologist at Marathon Oil has become the industry’s leading researcher on fish. “A large concern for the globe is the over fishing of our oceans. Thanks to the Exxon oil spill, the overfishing off the coast of Alaska stopped and there was little need to worry about the fish populations becoming depleted because of overfishing.”

The value of oil spills on the environment as determined by studies in the Gulf will not be known for a few years as Oil Industry scientists begin to pile through the volumes of data that is certain to come from the studies of birds, fish and mammals. Cal Smith had high hopes. “Personally, I’m looking forward to the study of birds and determining the changing of nesting habits if a bird’s eggs or young children can stick to the mother, allowing her to fly about without worrying of the security at the nest.”

A new poll released by Zogby today showed that 32% of people didn’t realize the bread they just ate wasn’t actually blueberry bread.

HOLLYWOOD – The production group that creates Law & Order had to reach a unhappy realization. They had run out of people to kill on the show of Law & Order. Throughout the 20 seasons, in addition to 11 seasons of SVU, they managed to kill all but a handful of people living in New York except a handful of cops, a few select lawyers and judges.

With no one left to be killed, they realized the show was over.

Creator Dick Wolf didn’t feel as bad. “My idea has spanned twenty years. It never occurred to me that my idea would last long enough to have almost every New Yorker killed. Honestly, I’m honored by that.”

BATON ROUGE, LA – In what is being declared one of the biggest energy discoveries since oil was first tapped in the US, a massive oil find will permanently improve America’s energy policy.

“This is perhaps the greatest moment for the US, especially when it comes to our sustainable energy policy,” noted Tulane University Geologist William McAllister. “While the extent of the discovery is unknown, we can be certain that it will sustain us for several decades and minimize our reliance on oil from overseas.”

OIL DISCOVERED ON THE COAST

Typically, the Gulf Coast has seen oil explorations well out to the sea and the ensuing explorations on oil rigs are expensive and potentially dangerous. But yesterday, oil was discovered right at the coast.

“I had never thought that the coast of Louisiana would be the location of an oil discovery,” noted Jack Falker who made the initial discovery. “I was just walking along the beach with my dog. I saw something black. I looked closer and thought it was oil.”

After a number of telephone conversations and a Tulane Geologist coming out, it was confirmed that an oil discovery was made. “It literally is washing up on shore.”

The extent of the discovery keeps growing with anticipation as Louisiana wasn’t alone. Mississippi, Alabama and Florida have all had spotty reports of oil on their beaches. “In order for all these areas to have this happening means the oil source must be substantial, perhaps on the magnitude of the tar sands and oil shales in the western half of North America,” noted McCallister.

And unlike the tar sands and oil shales where extracting the oil trapped in the sands and shales is very energy consuming, this oil is literally just washing up on the shore.

WHERE IS THE SOURCE?

Some scientists are trying to determine the epicenter of this new oil discovery. “What is odd,” noted John Dismore, “is that the oil just started washing ashore. It was trapped in the ground, but somehow something occurred that is just allowing it come to the surface for easy collection.”

Theories have centered around a possibly seismic event while others suggest an overlying rock formation collapsing. Regardless, the new source of oil will certainly be a valuable asset.

PINE BLUFF, ARKANSAS – Yesterday’s results in the polls showed that most Americans are angry at those serving in DC. Of the 11 primaries that have been held so far, only 101 of 106 non-retiring incumbents managed to stay alive for the General Election.

“Five, that number is huge,” noted Political News Corespondent Ted Flunkel. “That might as well be 106!”

With such a bare overwhelming majority being placed on the path to re-election, the Representatives and Senators of the remaining 39 primaries can only hope to attend Town Hall meetings in order to persuade their electorate to give them another chance.

“It scares me to death,” noted Congressman Smith of Illinois. “With so many incumbents not being defeated in the primaries, I can only pray to our Lord that I get that rare second chance to please my constituency.”

What appears to be the most stunning of the results is that candidates backed by the mainstream have shown stunningly poor results. “Of the five incumbents to have lost,” noted Ted Funkel, “all five were backed by the RNC or DNC. That means 100% of the incumbents that have lost, were backed by the heads of both parties. This can only mean that incumbent politicians will be a thing of the past.”

Indeed.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The Jane Austen inspired company that devoted itself to developing, “World class” video games based around the novels of Jane Austen declared bankruptcy after three years of business and having sold less than fourteen copies of their games.

“We simply overestimated the interest for Jane Austen video game porting,” said Cal Witherington, the CEO of the now bankrupt corporation.

The company released three video game titles, “Sense and Sensibilities", “Pride and Prejudice” and “Emma". Despite, an aggressive ad campaign, the games hardly sold at all. Developed for the PS3, Wii and XBox 360, the games were given high scores for video and look, but dismal scores for actual game play.

“It looks wonderful! The animation is down right perfect,” noted Adam Jones of IGN. “The problem was, there was no action in the games at all. One goal was to just walk around slowly, while talking. One mission included going on a long walk in the rain. That mission took two hours to finish!”

Some implementation of the game didn’t work too well either. In order to playing on the PS3 or Xbox 360, the player needed to press one button to act nice, another button to act proper. “In the end, the game became more of a button smasher,” according the IGN review. Players playing on the Wii really just needed to jerk the nunchuck and waggle to Wii Remote to get the same affect. The faster they shook, the better the score.

IGN went on to note, “One potential benefit of the game for ‘Pride and Prejudice’ was that you could play as many of the characters, including Mr. Darcy, though you needed to unlock that by scoring over 200 points in the dancing portion of the game, a hard feat. But in the end, it became nothing more than a waggle fest to brood.”

The company lost more than $20 million since they started three years ago and were forced to shut their doors. It remains unknown whether anyone will pick up their latest project, and first to move off from Jane Austen, “Little Women".

Just a few quick tax questions.

Can an aborted fetus be counted as a dependent?

Does listening to NPR count as a charitable contribution that I can deduct?

I bought Cleveland Browns tickets for this season. That can be counted as a capital loss right?

Do I only need to pay taxes on the money I didn’t spend this year? Which would be great because I spent about twice of what I made this year, so I should be due for a refund then… which I really could use because I spent about twice of what I made this year.

Can I deduct my mortgage payment? I know you can deduct your interest, but that isn’t enough! I work every once in a while at home, so clearly it is a place of work and a business expense.

Can I deduct per diem from my income? I mean if Sarah Palin can charge the state for living in her own home, certainly I can.

I read somewhere that you can get deductions or credits for improving your home, making it more energy efficient. I bought a 52″ LCD TV, which is much more energy efficient than a 52″ Plasma TV. Can I deduct the TV?

That making work pay credit kicks ass! Seeing that there are hundreds of thousands of undocumented workers that won’t use their credit, can I use all of theirs combined?

All the help possible would be appreciated. I need to get this thing mailed by midnight tonight.

PS… because Obama has socialized the country, I don’t need to pay state and local taxes now right?

“Huckabee likens gay marriage to incest, polygamy”
link to article

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” he said, according to a transcript of the interview.

He goes on to say…

“Marriage has historically never meant anything other than a man and a woman. It has never meant two men, two women, a man and his pet, or a man and a whole herd of pets.”

Women historically couldn’t vote, own property, work outside the home.
Blacks historically were slaves, subjected to severe discrimination.
Historically, caste systems determined a person’s value… not the person themselves.
Historically, the church had huge control on the day to day lives of people.
Historically democracy didn’t exist and people were peasants whose sole purpose was to serve a King (who, historically, was chosen typically based on the vagina he popped out of).
Historically, Protestants were sacrilegious bastards.
Historically, gays have been discriminated against and certainly not allowed to marry.

Historically? Are we to put the bar that low?

Today is a pretty good day. Despite a completely slanderous, ignorant and hateful misinformation campaign from The Right Wing, we have seen the first long due step in the reform of our health care system. Regarding the cost and deficit, if I hear one more Baby Boomer complain about spending money to help bring the United States back into the First World in health care, I’ll go insane.

I don’t recall any complaining of Trillions in deficit spending under Reagan, HW Bush, and George W. Bush. They whine “what about the children". Where the heck were they then? All those trillions for nothing… and my generation are the ones who has to pay for it. We’ll be paying the Baby Boomers Social Security and their Medicare as their gluttonous and selfish behavior has caused their coffers, and our nation’s, to dwindle. We’ll be paying it, not them, so, in the words of Degeneration X, SUCK IT!!!

The world’s richest nation that doesn’t offer each citizen the best health care is the world’s poorest nation. Having the best health care someone can afford is not enough! So stop being a ball and chain to every modicum of progress that comes forward. My generation doesn’t need another one of your messes to clean up.