OSHA Stunned at Working Conditions at Seaworld
Trying to find humor and wisdom in a mad mad world
OSHA Stunned at Working Conditions at Seaworld
Categories: Humor, Media and Popular Culture, 178 wordsSend feedback •ORLANDO, FL – During an inspection at the Seaworld Theme Park in Orlando, Florida, OSHA released a report which indicated outright shock over working conditions.
“Overall, the Theme Park was safe,” noted long time OSHA inspector Dan Wallace. “Railings, paved walking areas, structures were all great. Based on this, we were stunned once we hit the last part of the inspection… a show with whales.”
The OSHA inspection team watched the show in horror as Sea World employees were literally breaking hundreds of OSHA codes including, but not limited to “Handling heavy equipment", “Being propelled on the nose of a large mammal", “Swimming with something that can kill you without even trying".
“No wonder someone died here in a whale related accident. They are swimming with those fucking beasts! What are they stupid?!” noted Teresa Smith, of OSHA. “Might as well have a Great White Shark expo too.”
OSHA announced a $70,000 fine for Sea World regarding their workers swimming with Killer Whales.
“That’ll show ‘em,” finished Teresa Smith.
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This parody is based on this read world article.
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Brett Favre Enters Football Rehab for Football Addiction
Categories: Humor, Media and Popular Culture, 189 wordsSend feedback •ST. PAUL, MN – Future Hall-of-Famer Quarterback Brett Favre’s agent announced that he had entered rehab in order to deal with his addiction to the sport of football.
“Brett Favre wants to thank his fans, but states that he has come to grips with the fact that he can’t say no to football, and with his increasing age, his ability to control his desire, can come to a tragic end. We hope that you keep Favre in your thoughts during this ordeal.”
Brett Farve leads the NFL in most career touchdowns, career yards thrown, career victories and for “Most dumbass, slap your forehead, throws during critical moments".
Brett Favre’s entering of an addiction facility follows what is clearly the most bizarre of football stories, a player that can’t quit. If Farve plays two more seasons, he would become the first NFL player ever to be eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame while still playing in the league. Favre, who has been receiving Social Security checks for three years now, is the only player in the NFL that dates to before the merger of the AFL and NFL.
America Reawaking to Fact Saints Won Super Bowl
Categories: Humor, Media and Popular Culture, 317 wordsSend feedback •BETHESDA, MD – As the preseason kicked off this past weekend, Americans across the country were slowly reawakening to the fact that Peyton Manning didn’t receive a second ring nor won the MVP, but rather the New Orleans Saints were Super Bowl Champions.
“Really? I thought that was a SNL skit or something,” noted Cal Risdall, who was enjoying a tailgate party before the Patriots game.
“Seriously? Didn’t Peyton Manning win the MVP at the last Super Bowl?” asked Tom Witherspoon of Minot, North Dakota who was visiting the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
A Gallup poll indicated that only residents of Indiana and Louisiana actually remembered who won the Super Bowl. Residents in other states typically said The Colts won by a 7 to 2 margin.
John Hopkins’ lead professor in Psychology had the poll completed in order to see whether people would remember such an unlikely event.
“In such instances where such an unlikely event could happen, odd psychological issues can develop,” noted Dr. Paul Rogers of John Hopkin’s University. “We expected some forgetfulness, however we were stunned as to the extent.”
There was a surprising result of the polling. While people in general couldn’t remember the actual winner, they could recall the commercials shown, which would indicate that blackouts hadn’t occurred.
“The most surprising part of the research was the commercial recall,” noted Dr. Rogers. “This would seem to indicate a survival mechanism was activated for the viewers, in order to keep their minds from devolving into a perpetual state of shock over such an unlikely win.”
With several months passed since the unlikely event of the Saints winning, people are slowly coming back to the reality that New Orleans, not Indianapolis won the Super Bowl.
When asked if America could withstand New Orleans repeating, Dr. Rogers noted that the result could be “catastrophic, however, not as bad as if the Lions were to win.”
God Disavows Involvement with Columbia "Miracle"
Categories: News, Humor, 182 wordsSend feedback •BOGOTA, COLUMBIA – In the middle of the night, during a dreadful storm, a set of events unfolded which led to a near uncontrollable decent of a Boeing 737 jet, as it headed towards a landing at the San Andres Island airport.
Of the 131 people on board, only one died, despite the plane breaking into three pieces on the runway. Many, including the Governor of the Resort Island referred to this as a “miracle".
God quickly released a statement noting: “While I am pleased that those who were killed in this accident were limited, I can not take credit for these turn of events. I was appearing in a taco in Belize at the time. I’m only god, I can’t be everywhere at the same time.”
There is speculation that this statement release is related to a lawsuit that God is under right now from Lady Luck. Lady Luck is claiming that God has taken the credit for many happenstances of great fortune that were the results of her efforts, not his. It is unknown whether Lady Luck was involved in this incident.
Stocks fall because of fear, despite optimism yesterday
Categories: Humor, Commentary, 313 wordsSend feedback •NEW YORK, NY – The Stock Market was down approximately 100 points at 1 PM today, the lowest the Dow has ever been since lunch, as investors worried about the Fed as it mulled financial planning to deal with the economy. This comes despite subtle optimism from Monday where the market went up around 30 points, despite knowing then exactly what they know now.
“It wasn’t a surprise,” noted John Becker of Goldman Sachs. “We knew the Fed was going to meet and discuss how best to deal with the economy. But we just felt optimistic.”
The Fed isn’t actually expected to change anything, as they will leave interest rates at the same position they have been for almost two years. Fed may discuss printing more money because despite the low interest rate, inflation has yet to appear. But analysts knew this last week and yesterday.
Gold was seeing a sell off, being down nearly $10 an ounce. “Yeah, there really isn’t any reason to sell gold right now,” noted Jack Spiegal, a NYMEX commodities trader. “The Fed policy really won’t change and it isn’t like we don’t already know the economy is hurting… but we are selling off any way.”
The market is expected to open higher tomorrow because of optimism over nothing.
“Yeah, because we sold off today, we’ll probably go up tomorrow. Sure, we listen to the economic numbers and know the economy is really stuck at a low plateau, but we’ll feel optimistic and buy,” stated Jack Zuckerman of E-Trade.
However, the market is expected to finish flat by the end of the week because it is really warm outside. “When it gets into the 90’s, we usually sell off at the end of the week,” remarked Jack Spiegal. “It isn’t like we don’t know what is going on, we rather just call it an early day. Sell off early and head home.”
