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CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – North Korea continued it’s global dominance, this time in the game of football by winning their 10th World Cup, defeating the defiant and irrelevant Germany.

The global nations feared and trembled against the might of the North Korean squad which was led by our confident and wise leader Kim Jung-il. The undeniable victors took the lead in the final just 25 seconds after the starting whistle, where a brilliant crossing pass from the wing was slammed into the back of the net with a crushing header by our Fearless Leader.

After the goal, Germany became meek and realized their inconsequential talent was no match for the North Korean spirit and superior talent.

The victory capped off a dominant performance where North Korea conceded no goals, making it the ninth World Cup in a row where north Korea’s Defense and Goaltending remained as perfect as our nation.

A parade to celebrate their victory will be held in three weeks, after their global tour to mock the world and their ignorant condemnation of our great and preeminent country. Attendance is mandatory.

CASPER, WYOMING – Sarah Palin made a statement during a speech in front of 42 estatic followers in a gymnasium somewhere in Wyoming. “President Obama, I can’t help but notice that things are getting real tough ya in the White House.”

That was followed by cheers and jeers, taunting the Obama Presidency.

“Well, it’d help to have Executive Experience before taking a job at the Oval Office.”

More laughs and cheers.

“Well, feel free to call me Obama. I know all about that. I can give you some advice. I know how to quit when it gets tough.”

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Well, it didn’t quite go like that. Why can’t she just fade off into obscurity?!

SHREVEPORT, LA – While most people are fretting at the environmental damage that is occurring due to the oil spill in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, one group of people are looking forward to the numerous opportunities that may come from the spill, Oil Industry Biologists.

“This is really exciting,” noted Carrie Witherington, a biologist that works for BP. This will be the first time in well over a decade we’ll have a plethora of species to study to determine the benefits of oil spills.

“The Exxon Valdez spill, while large, just lacked the widespread influence on a larger area of the ecosystem that this spill is offering us,” stated Cal Smith of Exxon. “Simply put, literally tens of thousands of species will be affected by the spill and possibly gain the potential benefits of oil sterilization.

The Exxon Valdez spill taught scientists a valuable set of lessons. While a numbers of animals died from the spill, it wasn’t without its benefits.

“Our studies indicated that oil sterilized animals were at a significantly lower risk of dying from complications of old age,” noted Smith. “In addition, animals that were within the zone of oil, also were at a substantially lower risk of being eaten by a predator. The benefits of knowing this are huge, especially in the field of attempting to revive populations of endangered species.

“If we apply oil sterilization to endangered species, that could very well mean that their species won’t go extinct because of predators.”

Other benefits appeared to be as useful. “Otters from the Valdez spill had a new ability to defend their food from other animals,” noted Witherington. “Clams and oysters just stuck to the bodies of otters that were sterilized with oil, making it near impossible for birds or even other otters to take the food away. This would also be beneficial because it would allow an otter to be able to pick up food without compromising their speed and ability to move both in the water and on land.”

Janice Fuller, the senior Biologist at Marathon Oil has become the industry’s leading researcher on fish. “A large concern for the globe is the over fishing of our oceans. Thanks to the Exxon oil spill, the overfishing off the coast of Alaska stopped and there was little need to worry about the fish populations becoming depleted because of overfishing.”

The value of oil spills on the environment as determined by studies in the Gulf will not be known for a few years as Oil Industry scientists begin to pile through the volumes of data that is certain to come from the studies of birds, fish and mammals. Cal Smith had high hopes. “Personally, I’m looking forward to the study of birds and determining the changing of nesting habits if a bird’s eggs or young children can stick to the mother, allowing her to fly about without worrying of the security at the nest.”

A new poll released by Zogby today showed that 32% of people didn’t realize the bread they just ate wasn’t actually blueberry bread.

HOLLYWOOD – The production group that creates Law & Order had to reach a unhappy realization. They had run out of people to kill on the show of Law & Order. Throughout the 20 seasons, in addition to 11 seasons of SVU, they managed to kill all but a handful of people living in New York except a handful of cops, a few select lawyers and judges.

With no one left to be killed, they realized the show was over.

Creator Dick Wolf didn’t feel as bad. “My idea has spanned twenty years. It never occurred to me that my idea would last long enough to have almost every New Yorker killed. Honestly, I’m honored by that.”