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BATON ROUGE, LA – In what is being declared one of the biggest energy discoveries since oil was first tapped in the US, a massive oil find will permanently improve America’s energy policy.

“This is perhaps the greatest moment for the US, especially when it comes to our sustainable energy policy,” noted Tulane University Geologist William McAllister. “While the extent of the discovery is unknown, we can be certain that it will sustain us for several decades and minimize our reliance on oil from overseas.”

OIL DISCOVERED ON THE COAST

Typically, the Gulf Coast has seen oil explorations well out to the sea and the ensuing explorations on oil rigs are expensive and potentially dangerous. But yesterday, oil was discovered right at the coast.

“I had never thought that the coast of Louisiana would be the location of an oil discovery,” noted Jack Falker who made the initial discovery. “I was just walking along the beach with my dog. I saw something black. I looked closer and thought it was oil.”

After a number of telephone conversations and a Tulane Geologist coming out, it was confirmed that an oil discovery was made. “It literally is washing up on shore.”

The extent of the discovery keeps growing with anticipation as Louisiana wasn’t alone. Mississippi, Alabama and Florida have all had spotty reports of oil on their beaches. “In order for all these areas to have this happening means the oil source must be substantial, perhaps on the magnitude of the tar sands and oil shales in the western half of North America,” noted McCallister.

And unlike the tar sands and oil shales where extracting the oil trapped in the sands and shales is very energy consuming, this oil is literally just washing up on the shore.

WHERE IS THE SOURCE?

Some scientists are trying to determine the epicenter of this new oil discovery. “What is odd,” noted John Dismore, “is that the oil just started washing ashore. It was trapped in the ground, but somehow something occurred that is just allowing it come to the surface for easy collection.”

Theories have centered around a possibly seismic event while others suggest an overlying rock formation collapsing. Regardless, the new source of oil will certainly be a valuable asset.

PINE BLUFF, ARKANSAS – Yesterday’s results in the polls showed that most Americans are angry at those serving in DC. Of the 11 primaries that have been held so far, only 101 of 106 non-retiring incumbents managed to stay alive for the General Election.

“Five, that number is huge,” noted Political News Corespondent Ted Flunkel. “That might as well be 106!”

With such a bare overwhelming majority being placed on the path to re-election, the Representatives and Senators of the remaining 39 primaries can only hope to attend Town Hall meetings in order to persuade their electorate to give them another chance.

“It scares me to death,” noted Congressman Smith of Illinois. “With so many incumbents not being defeated in the primaries, I can only pray to our Lord that I get that rare second chance to please my constituency.”

What appears to be the most stunning of the results is that candidates backed by the mainstream have shown stunningly poor results. “Of the five incumbents to have lost,” noted Ted Funkel, “all five were backed by the RNC or DNC. That means 100% of the incumbents that have lost, were backed by the heads of both parties. This can only mean that incumbent politicians will be a thing of the past.”

Indeed.