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TORONTO, ON – NHL Chairman Gray Bettman announced that they would be reviewing their “Take your child to work day” policy after a disastrous first outing of the policy yesterday. ESPN reported that 85 children were rushed to the hospital with lacerations and severe bruises on a night where all games were marred with slow play caused by children just meandering into the offensive zone regardless if the puck had crossed into it first, almost continuous too many men on the ice penalties, whistles stopping play every five to ten seconds and injuries when a child was struck by a wayward puck, wayward stick or Donald Brasheer.

Most of last night’s games barely saw any 5 on 5 action as penalties just kept piling up. “Kids would just get onto the ice when their dad would,” noted Jacques Lemaire. “This just didn’t work as we planned.”

The Montreal Canadiens faired worse when Jacques Martin’s daughter kept pulling the goalie in order to show him her new dolly. “You don’t want to hurt their feelings,” noted Carey Price. “But every time I got pulled we ended up giving up a goal. It was nice to know her dolly thought I was doing a good job, but the scoreboard told a different story.”

Perhaps the worst off were the children of the officials. “They kept blowing the whistle,” noted Sidney Crosby. “Every five seconds, the whistle would blow. It was almost impossible to put a decent shot on net because you never knew when the whistle would go off.”

The distractions were everywhere on the ice. “It was hard to pay attention to the puck when the net judge’s child kept switching the light on and off,” stated Joe Thorton. “Then the horn would just sound out of no where.”

“We will hope to have better guidelines for this event next year,” Bettman summed up in a statement which had “I like purple” written in crayon at the bottom.