VIENNA, AUSTRIA – During a meeting of the globe’s greatest and most renowned astronomers, it was concluded that the planet of Mars was going to collide into Earth, in three days. That conclusion was reached rather quickly. What took a while, and was never fully resolved, was how the scientists, to this point completely missed this upcoming disaster.

“Our models at NASA had tracked this collision the whole time,” noted Gilbert Sullivan, a noted scientist at NASA. “We just never really looked.”

The discovery of the soon apocalyptic collision was not made by a scientist… or even an astronomy buff, but rather Gil Hodges, a utility worker from Tempe, Arizona. “I was just looking up at the night sky, while I was camping in Sedona. Then I noticed this huge red sphere, about three times the size of the Moon. I thought that looked different.”

Indeed, the planets Mars has been getting larger in the sky for the past three years during its fateful, destructive and up to five days ago unforeseen collision track with Earth.

“We really should have noticed sometime around when Mars was half the size of the Moon in the sky,” commented Jurgen Smullven of a Stockholm University. “The irony is that we were watching this asteroid because we thought it may come within a few Moon - Earth distances to our orbit,” he noted with a chuckle.

Regardless why the scientists never saw this coming, the impact this Saturday will most certainly annihilate both planets, leaving nothing behind but a huge debris of rubble similar to that of the asteroid belt that exists between Jupiter and Mars.

“We’d run simulations on this scenario, find out how it will finish, what caused it, but that’d take five days to do,” said Gilbert Sullivan. “Oh well, can’t win them all.”

TOPEKA, KS – In the middle of Kansas, of all places, a thread began becoming unraveled which led to the entire dissolution of science as we know it leading to the ultimate conclusion made at a conference yesterday in Rome. Scientists at that conference concluded that they were “completely full of crap” and that the sciences of “evolution, astronomy, geology” were nothing but huge shams.

“Everything in the Bible is right,” said Stephan Hawkings, one of the most notable astrophysicists ever. “We thought we had it all figured out, but we didn’t. We were fooling, no lying to ourselves. We were full of crap.”

This startling revelation came from a simple meager beginning.

Three months ago, Stan Hulet of Topeka, Kansas had no real intention of turning the science world on its head, but with a single post at a web board on the Internet, he did just that. Without even a minute of classroom experience in thermodynamics or physics, he listed off a few interesting questions. The most notable was “If the universe began, what caused it?” In addition, a similar minded comment of “The second law of Thermodynamics means evolution can’t be true” truly set off a wave of contesting views.

But quickly, those on the web board began to see the truth. And from there, the insight trickled from web board to web board until it gained attention at universities and then at the world’s most technical labs.

The famous CERN LHC was shut down not two months after the OP that asked “Is it just ‘coincidence’ that atoms stay together (the same charges)?”

Jane Goodall, world renowned for her work with chimpanzees remarked similarly. “If evolution is true, why are there still monkeys?”

Former Atheist and now born-again Christan Richard Dawkins noted, “Everything we needed to know was in the Bible. It tells us that wind blows.”

With respect as to how all the technology that appears to work regardless that all the science behind it has been debunked was answered by Hawking. “It is god. He let us believe we found answers to how the universe worked, but we now know that it is all bunk and that it was god that made these technologies work.”

1) There is a verifiable universe that we live in

2) All things must be caused in order to exist

3) Therefore the universe must have a cause

4) God is defined as something that we have never quite verified as actually being real, but exists nonetheless

5) God doesn’t have to deal with part 2 of this proof

6) Therefore God doesn’t need to have been created to exist

7) Therefore God has to be the creator of the universe

No really, people buy this as a logical argument for god.

ORLANDO, FL – During an inspection at the Seaworld Theme Park in Orlando, Florida, OSHA released a report which indicated outright shock over working conditions.

“Overall, the Theme Park was safe,” noted long time OSHA inspector Dan Wallace. “Railings, paved walking areas, structures were all great. Based on this, we were stunned once we hit the last part of the inspection… a show with whales.”

The OSHA inspection team watched the show in horror as Sea World employees were literally breaking hundreds of OSHA codes including, but not limited to “Handling heavy equipment", “Being propelled on the nose of a large mammal", “Swimming with something that can kill you without even trying".

“No wonder someone died here in a whale related accident. They are swimming with those fucking beasts! What are they stupid?!” noted Teresa Smith, of OSHA. “Might as well have a Great White Shark expo too.”

OSHA announced a $70,000 fine for Sea World regarding their workers swimming with Killer Whales.

“That’ll show ‘em,” finished Teresa Smith.

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This parody is based on this read world article.

ST. PAUL, MN – Future Hall-of-Famer Quarterback Brett Favre’s agent announced that he had entered rehab in order to deal with his addiction to the sport of football.

“Brett Favre wants to thank his fans, but states that he has come to grips with the fact that he can’t say no to football, and with his increasing age, his ability to control his desire, can come to a tragic end. We hope that you keep Favre in your thoughts during this ordeal.”

Brett Farve leads the NFL in most career touchdowns, career yards thrown, career victories and for “Most dumbass, slap your forehead, throws during critical moments".

Brett Favre’s entering of an addiction facility follows what is clearly the most bizarre of football stories, a player that can’t quit. If Farve plays two more seasons, he would become the first NFL player ever to be eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame while still playing in the league. Favre, who has been receiving Social Security checks for three years now, is the only player in the NFL that dates to before the merger of the AFL and NFL.

BETHESDA, MD – As the preseason kicked off this past weekend, Americans across the country were slowly reawakening to the fact that Peyton Manning didn’t receive a second ring nor won the MVP, but rather the New Orleans Saints were Super Bowl Champions.

“Really? I thought that was a SNL skit or something,” noted Cal Risdall, who was enjoying a tailgate party before the Patriots game.

“Seriously? Didn’t Peyton Manning win the MVP at the last Super Bowl?” asked Tom Witherspoon of Minot, North Dakota who was visiting the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

A Gallup poll indicated that only residents of Indiana and Louisiana actually remembered who won the Super Bowl. Residents in other states typically said The Colts won by a 7 to 2 margin.

John Hopkins’ lead professor in Psychology had the poll completed in order to see whether people would remember such an unlikely event.

“In such instances where such an unlikely event could happen, odd psychological issues can develop,” noted Dr. Paul Rogers of John Hopkin’s University. “We expected some forgetfulness, however we were stunned as to the extent.”

There was a surprising result of the polling. While people in general couldn’t remember the actual winner, they could recall the commercials shown, which would indicate that blackouts hadn’t occurred.

“The most surprising part of the research was the commercial recall,” noted Dr. Rogers. “This would seem to indicate a survival mechanism was activated for the viewers, in order to keep their minds from devolving into a perpetual state of shock over such an unlikely win.”

With several months passed since the unlikely event of the Saints winning, people are slowly coming back to the reality that New Orleans, not Indianapolis won the Super Bowl.

When asked if America could withstand New Orleans repeating, Dr. Rogers noted that the result could be “catastrophic, however, not as bad as if the Lions were to win.”

BOGOTA, COLUMBIA – In the middle of the night, during a dreadful storm, a set of events unfolded which led to a near uncontrollable decent of a Boeing 737 jet, as it headed towards a landing at the San Andres Island airport.

Of the 131 people on board, only one died, despite the plane breaking into three pieces on the runway. Many, including the Governor of the Resort Island referred to this as a “miracle".

God quickly released a statement noting: “While I am pleased that those who were killed in this accident were limited, I can not take credit for these turn of events. I was appearing in a taco in Belize at the time. I’m only god, I can’t be everywhere at the same time.”

There is speculation that this statement release is related to a lawsuit that God is under right now from Lady Luck. Lady Luck is claiming that God has taken the credit for many happenstances of great fortune that were the results of her efforts, not his. It is unknown whether Lady Luck was involved in this incident.

NEW YORK, NY – The Stock Market was down approximately 100 points at 1 PM today, the lowest the Dow has ever been since lunch, as investors worried about the Fed as it mulled financial planning to deal with the economy. This comes despite subtle optimism from Monday where the market went up around 30 points, despite knowing then exactly what they know now.

“It wasn’t a surprise,” noted John Becker of Goldman Sachs. “We knew the Fed was going to meet and discuss how best to deal with the economy. But we just felt optimistic.”

The Fed isn’t actually expected to change anything, as they will leave interest rates at the same position they have been for almost two years. Fed may discuss printing more money because despite the low interest rate, inflation has yet to appear. But analysts knew this last week and yesterday.

Gold was seeing a sell off, being down nearly $10 an ounce. “Yeah, there really isn’t any reason to sell gold right now,” noted Jack Spiegal, a NYMEX commodities trader. “The Fed policy really won’t change and it isn’t like we don’t already know the economy is hurting… but we are selling off any way.”

The market is expected to open higher tomorrow because of optimism over nothing.

“Yeah, because we sold off today, we’ll probably go up tomorrow. Sure, we listen to the economic numbers and know the economy is really stuck at a low plateau, but we’ll feel optimistic and buy,” stated Jack Zuckerman of E-Trade.

However, the market is expected to finish flat by the end of the week because it is really warm outside. “When it gets into the 90’s, we usually sell off at the end of the week,” remarked Jack Spiegal. “It isn’t like we don’t know what is going on, we rather just call it an early day. Sell off early and head home.”

SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL – With the closing of the FIFA World Cup in South Africa, the bar for annoying noises that constantly blare in the stadiums and on the television screens has been risen to an almost unbeatable level, however Brazil says they are up to the challenge.

The hosts of the 2014 World Cup are certainly facing an uphill challenge, however, they will have had over 4 years to develop new techniques for annoying noises. “Since the Confederation Cup, it became quickly apparent that just chanting and flares in the stadiums wouldn’t be enough to be annoying,” noted Brazilian head on Tourism Luiz Barreto. “So we’ve looked at a multi-path approach.”

Barreto noted that the development of a portable Theramin would be at mass production stage in three years, more than a full year before the 2014 World Cup in case additional annoying developments can be incorporated.

“One place that I don’t believe has been properly exploited is that announcer booth,” noted Barreto. “This is why we plan on having several shrieking Chachalacas in each announcer booth, just to allow the viewers to be as annoyed as possible.”

Whether these developments will be able to up the sonic displeasure of the South Africa World Cup can only be known with time. Brazil said they would begin deploying their technologies the year before the Cup in their domestic leagues.

“South Africa showed us that the beautiful game can coexist with the most annoying of sounds. We are pleased to hear that Brazil is interested in testing the boundaries of that,” noted FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

Well, I’ve decided that I am finally sick of the disease that exists today in public schools. I found out today that they actually teach our children arabic numerals… as if you ever need to know arabic numerals. That is just garbage. It is bad enough that they teach kids in school that Communism is revered and that our Founding Fathers were devils and that evolution proves that you can have sex and abortions at the age of 14. But Arabic numberals? What’s next? Sharia law?!

So I am protesting and will only use Caucasian Roman Numerals from now on. Pi will now be equal to III.IIVIVIX. Long division will be a snap too! X / III = III.IIIIIIIII… LV² = MMMXV. Polynomials? x^II + IVx + IV can be rearranged to (x + II)(x + II). This is really simple stuff.

And what is the whole point of zero in this Arabic numeral system anyway? Whatever you do with it, funks up the math. Multiply, divide… it is a numeric hermaphrodite! And I don’t need no French Islamic Apologist Hopital to make up rules to fix errors in their retarded numeric system!

So join me in this war that is being waged with our children and stop this madness. It is bad enough that the Qu’ran is required reading in English class. Don’t let these Extremo Islamofascists take our math too!

OFFICE DEN, HOME — A “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” or sometimes referred to a “Fucking Waste of Money” is now reportedly working just fine today. Yesterday, the “God Damn Piece of Shit” was reportedly “Fucking Broken” and “…not doing a fucking thing".

While not knowing the creators of the product, an accusation was made that the makers of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” were a “bunch of fucking retards” and wouldn’t be capable of designing a “god damn hole in the wall". The person then alluded that he could “make a better fucking one in his sleep".

In addition, the operator of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” noted that he would calm down if “…the fucking idiots that made this god damn thing died and burned in hell.”

The “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” apparently began working properly, today, after it was determined that the electrical strip it was plugged into wasn’t, itself, plugged in. Regarding the cause of that, the operator noted “How the fuck should I know?”

It is currently unknown if the hole in the wall within the vicinity of the “God Damn Useless Piece of Shit” was the result of the operator yesterday or possibly because of the “Fucking waste of time” device that “should be thrown out the fucking apartment window” three weeks ago.

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – In what is being disputed as a mistake by the ownership and Head Coach Sir Alex Ferguson, the premier EPL team Manchester United has signed Lebron James to a deal worth 120 million pounds over the next 4 years.

Meanwhile, the Manchester United organization is attempting to determine how they signed the Basketball star in the first place. As of now, a misunderstanding is being blamed. “We are looking into how this could have happened,” stated Buck Darlington, spokesman for the Red Devils. “We recently hired a new scout and there are some signs pointing to inexperience being the cause.”

Manchester United has a high bar set for success and despite finishing second in the Premier League, there was little appreciation of the accomplishment especially in light of not making it to the Champions League Final or winning a domestic cup.

As a response, Alex Ferguson noted at a press conference that he told a new scout that he wanted him to go out and sign “the world’s greatest player” in order to become champions again. It is believed that this was misunderstood and Lebron James was signed.

Now with Lebron James, the Red Devils will have more depth at the Power Forward position, though some critics wonder how valuable that would actually be.

Chris Grant of the Cavaliers noted, “It is sad to see our organization lose such a talent, but we wish him the best in his new venture in English Football.”

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – North Korea continued it’s global dominance, this time in the game of football by winning their 10th World Cup, defeating the defiant and irrelevant Germany.

The global nations feared and trembled against the might of the North Korean squad which was led by our confident and wise leader Kim Jung-il. The undeniable victors took the lead in the final just 25 seconds after the starting whistle, where a brilliant crossing pass from the wing was slammed into the back of the net with a crushing header by our Fearless Leader.

After the goal, Germany became meek and realized their inconsequential talent was no match for the North Korean spirit and superior talent.

The victory capped off a dominant performance where North Korea conceded no goals, making it the ninth World Cup in a row where north Korea’s Defense and Goaltending remained as perfect as our nation.

A parade to celebrate their victory will be held in three weeks, after their global tour to mock the world and their ignorant condemnation of our great and preeminent country. Attendance is mandatory.

CASPER, WYOMING – Sarah Palin made a statement during a speech in front of 42 estatic followers in a gymnasium somewhere in Wyoming. “President Obama, I can’t help but notice that things are getting real tough ya in the White House.”

That was followed by cheers and jeers, taunting the Obama Presidency.

“Well, it’d help to have Executive Experience before taking a job at the Oval Office.”

More laughs and cheers.

“Well, feel free to call me Obama. I know all about that. I can give you some advice. I know how to quit when it gets tough.”

————————

Well, it didn’t quite go like that. Why can’t she just fade off into obscurity?!

SHREVEPORT, LA – While most people are fretting at the environmental damage that is occurring due to the oil spill in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, one group of people are looking forward to the numerous opportunities that may come from the spill, Oil Industry Biologists.

“This is really exciting,” noted Carrie Witherington, a biologist that works for BP. This will be the first time in well over a decade we’ll have a plethora of species to study to determine the benefits of oil spills.

“The Exxon Valdez spill, while large, just lacked the widespread influence on a larger area of the ecosystem that this spill is offering us,” stated Cal Smith of Exxon. “Simply put, literally tens of thousands of species will be affected by the spill and possibly gain the potential benefits of oil sterilization.

The Exxon Valdez spill taught scientists a valuable set of lessons. While a numbers of animals died from the spill, it wasn’t without its benefits.

“Our studies indicated that oil sterilized animals were at a significantly lower risk of dying from complications of old age,” noted Smith. “In addition, animals that were within the zone of oil, also were at a substantially lower risk of being eaten by a predator. The benefits of knowing this are huge, especially in the field of attempting to revive populations of endangered species.

“If we apply oil sterilization to endangered species, that could very well mean that their species won’t go extinct because of predators.”

Other benefits appeared to be as useful. “Otters from the Valdez spill had a new ability to defend their food from other animals,” noted Witherington. “Clams and oysters just stuck to the bodies of otters that were sterilized with oil, making it near impossible for birds or even other otters to take the food away. This would also be beneficial because it would allow an otter to be able to pick up food without compromising their speed and ability to move both in the water and on land.”

Janice Fuller, the senior Biologist at Marathon Oil has become the industry’s leading researcher on fish. “A large concern for the globe is the over fishing of our oceans. Thanks to the Exxon oil spill, the overfishing off the coast of Alaska stopped and there was little need to worry about the fish populations becoming depleted because of overfishing.”

The value of oil spills on the environment as determined by studies in the Gulf will not be known for a few years as Oil Industry scientists begin to pile through the volumes of data that is certain to come from the studies of birds, fish and mammals. Cal Smith had high hopes. “Personally, I’m looking forward to the study of birds and determining the changing of nesting habits if a bird’s eggs or young children can stick to the mother, allowing her to fly about without worrying of the security at the nest.”

A new poll released by Zogby today showed that 32% of people didn’t realize the bread they just ate wasn’t actually blueberry bread.

HOLLYWOOD – The production group that creates Law & Order had to reach a unhappy realization. They had run out of people to kill on the show of Law & Order. Throughout the 20 seasons, in addition to 11 seasons of SVU, they managed to kill all but a handful of people living in New York except a handful of cops, a few select lawyers and judges.

With no one left to be killed, they realized the show was over.

Creator Dick Wolf didn’t feel as bad. “My idea has spanned twenty years. It never occurred to me that my idea would last long enough to have almost every New Yorker killed. Honestly, I’m honored by that.”

BATON ROUGE, LA – In what is being declared one of the biggest energy discoveries since oil was first tapped in the US, a massive oil find will permanently improve America’s energy policy.

“This is perhaps the greatest moment for the US, especially when it comes to our sustainable energy policy,” noted Tulane University Geologist William McAllister. “While the extent of the discovery is unknown, we can be certain that it will sustain us for several decades and minimize our reliance on oil from overseas.”

OIL DISCOVERED ON THE COAST

Typically, the Gulf Coast has seen oil explorations well out to the sea and the ensuing explorations on oil rigs are expensive and potentially dangerous. But yesterday, oil was discovered right at the coast.

“I had never thought that the coast of Louisiana would be the location of an oil discovery,” noted Jack Falker who made the initial discovery. “I was just walking along the beach with my dog. I saw something black. I looked closer and thought it was oil.”

After a number of telephone conversations and a Tulane Geologist coming out, it was confirmed that an oil discovery was made. “It literally is washing up on shore.”

The extent of the discovery keeps growing with anticipation as Louisiana wasn’t alone. Mississippi, Alabama and Florida have all had spotty reports of oil on their beaches. “In order for all these areas to have this happening means the oil source must be substantial, perhaps on the magnitude of the tar sands and oil shales in the western half of North America,” noted McCallister.

And unlike the tar sands and oil shales where extracting the oil trapped in the sands and shales is very energy consuming, this oil is literally just washing up on the shore.

WHERE IS THE SOURCE?

Some scientists are trying to determine the epicenter of this new oil discovery. “What is odd,” noted John Dismore, “is that the oil just started washing ashore. It was trapped in the ground, but somehow something occurred that is just allowing it come to the surface for easy collection.”

Theories have centered around a possibly seismic event while others suggest an overlying rock formation collapsing. Regardless, the new source of oil will certainly be a valuable asset.

PINE BLUFF, ARKANSAS – Yesterday’s results in the polls showed that most Americans are angry at those serving in DC. Of the 11 primaries that have been held so far, only 101 of 106 non-retiring incumbents managed to stay alive for the General Election.

“Five, that number is huge,” noted Political News Corespondent Ted Flunkel. “That might as well be 106!”

With such a bare overwhelming majority being placed on the path to re-election, the Representatives and Senators of the remaining 39 primaries can only hope to attend Town Hall meetings in order to persuade their electorate to give them another chance.

“It scares me to death,” noted Congressman Smith of Illinois. “With so many incumbents not being defeated in the primaries, I can only pray to our Lord that I get that rare second chance to please my constituency.”

What appears to be the most stunning of the results is that candidates backed by the mainstream have shown stunningly poor results. “Of the five incumbents to have lost,” noted Ted Funkel, “all five were backed by the RNC or DNC. That means 100% of the incumbents that have lost, were backed by the heads of both parties. This can only mean that incumbent politicians will be a thing of the past.”

Indeed.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The Jane Austen inspired company that devoted itself to developing, “World class” video games based around the novels of Jane Austen declared bankruptcy after three years of business and having sold less than fourteen copies of their games.

“We simply overestimated the interest for Jane Austen video game porting,” said Cal Witherington, the CEO of the now bankrupt corporation.

The company released three video game titles, “Sense and Sensibilities", “Pride and Prejudice” and “Emma". Despite, an aggressive ad campaign, the games hardly sold at all. Developed for the PS3, Wii and XBox 360, the games were given high scores for video and look, but dismal scores for actual game play.

“It looks wonderful! The animation is down right perfect,” noted Adam Jones of IGN. “The problem was, there was no action in the games at all. One goal was to just walk around slowly, while talking. One mission included going on a long walk in the rain. That mission took two hours to finish!”

Some implementation of the game didn’t work too well either. In order to playing on the PS3 or Xbox 360, the player needed to press one button to act nice, another button to act proper. “In the end, the game became more of a button smasher,” according the IGN review. Players playing on the Wii really just needed to jerk the nunchuck and waggle to Wii Remote to get the same affect. The faster they shook, the better the score.

IGN went on to note, “One potential benefit of the game for ‘Pride and Prejudice’ was that you could play as many of the characters, including Mr. Darcy, though you needed to unlock that by scoring over 200 points in the dancing portion of the game, a hard feat. But in the end, it became nothing more than a waggle fest to brood.”

The company lost more than $20 million since they started three years ago and were forced to shut their doors. It remains unknown whether anyone will pick up their latest project, and first to move off from Jane Austen, “Little Women".

Just a few quick tax questions.

Can an aborted fetus be counted as a dependent?

Does listening to NPR count as a charitable contribution that I can deduct?

I bought Cleveland Browns tickets for this season. That can be counted as a capital loss right?

Do I only need to pay taxes on the money I didn’t spend this year? Which would be great because I spent about twice of what I made this year, so I should be due for a refund then… which I really could use because I spent about twice of what I made this year.

Can I deduct my mortgage payment? I know you can deduct your interest, but that isn’t enough! I work every once in a while at home, so clearly it is a place of work and a business expense.

Can I deduct per diem from my income? I mean if Sarah Palin can charge the state for living in her own home, certainly I can.

I read somewhere that you can get deductions or credits for improving your home, making it more energy efficient. I bought a 52″ LCD TV, which is much more energy efficient than a 52″ Plasma TV. Can I deduct the TV?

That making work pay credit kicks ass! Seeing that there are hundreds of thousands of undocumented workers that won’t use their credit, can I use all of theirs combined?

All the help possible would be appreciated. I need to get this thing mailed by midnight tonight.

PS… because Obama has socialized the country, I don’t need to pay state and local taxes now right?

“Huckabee likens gay marriage to incest, polygamy”
link to article

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” he said, according to a transcript of the interview.

He goes on to say…

“Marriage has historically never meant anything other than a man and a woman. It has never meant two men, two women, a man and his pet, or a man and a whole herd of pets.”

Women historically couldn’t vote, own property, work outside the home.
Blacks historically were slaves, subjected to severe discrimination.
Historically, caste systems determined a person’s value… not the person themselves.
Historically, the church had huge control on the day to day lives of people.
Historically democracy didn’t exist and people were peasants whose sole purpose was to serve a King (who, historically, was chosen typically based on the vagina he popped out of).
Historically, Protestants were sacrilegious bastards.
Historically, gays have been discriminated against and certainly not allowed to marry.

Historically? Are we to put the bar that low?

Today is a pretty good day. Despite a completely slanderous, ignorant and hateful misinformation campaign from The Right Wing, we have seen the first long due step in the reform of our health care system. Regarding the cost and deficit, if I hear one more Baby Boomer complain about spending money to help bring the United States back into the First World in health care, I’ll go insane.

I don’t recall any complaining of Trillions in deficit spending under Reagan, HW Bush, and George W. Bush. They whine “what about the children". Where the heck were they then? All those trillions for nothing… and my generation are the ones who has to pay for it. We’ll be paying the Baby Boomers Social Security and their Medicare as their gluttonous and selfish behavior has caused their coffers, and our nation’s, to dwindle. We’ll be paying it, not them, so, in the words of Degeneration X, SUCK IT!!!

The world’s richest nation that doesn’t offer each citizen the best health care is the world’s poorest nation. Having the best health care someone can afford is not enough! So stop being a ball and chain to every modicum of progress that comes forward. My generation doesn’t need another one of your messes to clean up.

TORONTO, ON – NHL Chairman Gray Bettman announced that they would be reviewing their “Take your child to work day” policy after a disastrous first outing of the policy yesterday. ESPN reported that 85 children were rushed to the hospital with lacerations and severe bruises on a night where all games were marred with slow play caused by children just meandering into the offensive zone regardless if the puck had crossed into it first, almost continuous too many men on the ice penalties, whistles stopping play every five to ten seconds and injuries when a child was struck by a wayward puck, wayward stick or Donald Brasheer.

Most of last night’s games barely saw any 5 on 5 action as penalties just kept piling up. “Kids would just get onto the ice when their dad would,” noted Jacques Lemaire. “This just didn’t work as we planned.”

The Montreal Canadiens faired worse when Jacques Martin’s daughter kept pulling the goalie in order to show him her new dolly. “You don’t want to hurt their feelings,” noted Carey Price. “But every time I got pulled we ended up giving up a goal. It was nice to know her dolly thought I was doing a good job, but the scoreboard told a different story.”

Perhaps the worst off were the children of the officials. “They kept blowing the whistle,” noted Sidney Crosby. “Every five seconds, the whistle would blow. It was almost impossible to put a decent shot on net because you never knew when the whistle would go off.”

The distractions were everywhere on the ice. “It was hard to pay attention to the puck when the net judge’s child kept switching the light on and off,” stated Joe Thorton. “Then the horn would just sound out of no where.”

“We will hope to have better guidelines for this event next year,” Bettman summed up in a statement which had “I like purple” written in crayon at the bottom.

COREL GABLES, FL - Gatorade announced that were ending their sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods when it became apparent that there were other sponsorship deals Woods was involved with.

“We are sad to announce the termination of our relationship with Tiger Woods,” noted Gatorade spokesman Cal Witherington. “We were proud to sponsor Tiger Woods, however, we have had word that there are other products that he was endorsing.”

Indeed, over the weekend, events unfolded where people read a magazine or watched television and noticed Tiger Woods appearing in a large amount of ads. Upwards to 34 companies have stepped forwards claiming to have endorsed Tiger Woods at one time or another. According to Nielsen Ratings, Tiger Woods is currently involved in approximately 18 product endorsements.

“We thought what we had with Woods was special. It hurts us to end the relationship, but we need to move on to a more faithful athlete.”

Tiger Woods has yet to come out of seclusion to acknowledge or apologize for any of his actions regarding his sponsor adultery.

“Tiger Woods will end nearly three months of silence Friday when he speaks publicly for the first time since his middle-of-the-night car accident sparked stunning revelations of infidelity.”

link

It looks like Tiger Woods will broadcast his first public apology over the outing of him putting his penis into numerous vaginas… most of which weren’t his wife’s. Personally, while I think putting your penis into the wrong vagina is morally reprehensible, I don’t really care if Woods apologizes because it is about his image and trying to get back on the platinum pony.

What I think he should apologize for is their weakest ass bullshit cover up story about how a lucid male athlete could drive a car into a fire hydrant, at a speed that didn’t deploy the air bags and leave him near unconscious… with windows being bashed out on the car from a golf club driver that his wife decided to use to help save her husband from the disastrous crash… right in front of their home.

Yeah, I think they both owe all of us an apology for that!

WASHINGTON DC – It has been reported the President Barrack Obama saw his shadow today. While going outside to a meeting, the President saw his shadow and quickly ran back into the White House. This indicates just 11 more months of Democrat majorities in Congress.

The Canterville Ghost - Comedy-like more for kids than adults film based on Oscar Wilde’s short story. The highlight is Charles Laughton plays the Canterville ghost. Special effects weren’t bad, but nothing too unique for the time as greater effects had been done sooner. The movie isn’t bad, but isn’t particularly great. As I noted, more of a film for kids.

6.8 of 10

The Bride Came C.O.D. - Here is a treat… even if it wasn’t a treat to create, only a barely decent script and really hot set in Death Valley. James Cagney, Bette Davis… in a rare comedy. Sometimes movies are fun to watch even if they aren’t the funniest, merely because of who is in it. This is one of those movies. There aren’t too many laugh out loud moments (though one near the end comes to mind), but the film is charming enough. These two save the film that could have been rather forgettable. Jack Carson plays… well another guy Jack Carson typically plays. Fun enough to warrant watching.

It is odd, but the two films I’ve seen with Cagney have been comedies, this and Mister Roberts.

7.2 of 10

The Hangover - Typical R-rated comedy. Really not that good of a film, sometimes resorting to uncreative or crud dialogue instead of developing actual comedy. To be fair, there are a handful of funny moments, unfortunately, the entire trip isn’t quite worth it.

3 of 10

The Roaring Twenties - James Cagney in what was just another great 1939 film. I like the entire plot and how the events and characters flow quite evenly and smoothly. Everything about the film just works. That’s all I can say.

9.3 of 10

Duck Soup - The Platinum Standard for comedy. The Marx Brothers are involved with a feud between two neighboring nations, Sylvania and Freedonia. Absolute marvel of a film and some really good one-liners.

Dumont: I was with him (her husband that died) to the very end.
Groucho: No wonder he kicked it.
Dumont: He was in my arms.
Groucho: So you admit it was murder.

A couple classic scenes including the mirror routine and the two the peanut stand bits. Old comedy doesn’t do much better.

9.8 of 10

It’s a Gift - Short comedy movie by WC Fields. The husband’s relative dies and then puts the inheritance money into an Orange Field in California. The movie is more about the buildup to leaving and the trip itself. Typical WC Field schtick. Now where are my ten pounds of kumquats?!

8.2 of 10

The Proposal - Rather unimaginative film, with an absurd plot, with an even more absurd conclusion. The only benefit this movie has is Betty White, but even her character had about as much unique creative energy as a 1st grade edition of Snow White. Bullock and Reynolds aren’t annoying which keeps this film from being a shredded DVD. The movie had a few cute moments, but really you probably saw all of the best parts in the preview.

4.5 of 10

Invictus - Story of the South African attempt at the Rugby World Cup in 1995. A slow but purposefully told narrative that concentrates a bunch on Nelson Mandela’s desperate attempt to unify South Africa’s two divergent populations. If you don’t know much about rugby, you may have a hard time following the action (though you shouldn’t, rugby is pretty simple).

The movie is a little lacking. The build up to the rugby action was long and sometimes drawn out. Then the rugby action was a little drawn out. The rugby action was shot in an interesting manner. You are in the action itself, instead of just watching it as if it were a game. The less structured form of rugby, relative to American football, gives the sense of chaos and confusion, but does well to give a true sense of the on field play.

Eastwood uses his craft well and you won’t feel like you wasted your time. It is inspiring, indeed.

7.5 of 10

State of the Union - Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey star in a movie about an idealogical self made rich man (Tracey) is recruited by Newspaper icon Jessica Fletcher… I mean Angela Lansbury who wants to create her own candidate so her paper can have their own man. So Tracey wants his own run, Lansbury wants her own version of him. So the electoral politics get involved and you watch the film and think… yup, things aren’t any different these days.

One short monologue by Tracey stands out, as he goes on and on about his vision of the world. One line goes, ~’The world’s richest nation is the world’s largest failure if it can’t offer the best health care to its citizens.’ 1948. Nineteen bloody forty-eight! Over six decades later and we still haven’t gotten there yet.

Its a good movie, somewhat predictable, but the movie has a good cast, it’s always fun to watch Hepburn and Tracey together, and the story is interesting enough along political lines.

8 of 10

Gunga Din - Three words to give a person an idea of what this film is… Temple of Doom… without the silly potions and stuff. The action is a tad over the top… with Cary Grant making Rambo look like a pussy. The story is good, the characters fun and the climatic battle scene offers a good amount of suspense. A movie from the golden year of Hollywood. Gunga Din is a must see.

9.5 of 10

Monsters vs Aliens - I had a feeling that I wanted to watch this movie. I wasn’t disappointed. The movie was fun and funny enough. It wasn’t the greatest of animated films, but it was a world better than the efforts of movies like Madagascar. The movie is a cliche, but has enough charm to pull off the film. Colbert adds a good touch.

6.5 of 10

Day of Wine and Roses - A heart warming and uplifting story of purity. This movie is about a couple that never touch alcohol… ever. Really uplifting.

Alright, maybe it is a tad bit darker than that. Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick star in a pair of marvelous performances about alcoholism. I warn ya, this movie isn’t fun at all. About half way through, I felt like someone was grinding their fingernails on the chalkboard, not in a bad way rather the journey of the two characters is just hard to watch. The movie stays real and it is a movie to watch.

Oddly, the movie was released the day after Christmas… not a very Christmasy film.

8.8 of 10

On the Town - Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Betty Garret star in a movie about three Navy guys who have one day in the city. One (Sinatra) wants to see the sites, the other two want to get The Clap. It seems if you see one Kelly - Sinatra film, you’ve seen every one. Bernstein actually did the music for the film, so that is a good touch for an otherwise, good but really formulaic plot.

7.5 of 10 (but probably deserves 8+ of 10)

Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) - Another 1939 classic. Starring Charles Laughton as the Hunchback. No singing gargoyles in this one, just a bunch of good acting. The story is strong. Not much more one can ask for in a film. This is a classic.

9.8 of 10

The Wizard of Oz - Yeah… just finally watched it for the first time. Honestly, I found the movie boring. First off, the Munchkins were useless… “follow the yellowbrick road". Yeah thanks… what about when it diverges on three different paths. Assholes!

The casting was well done. The acting, singing, dancing well done. I don’t know, though, in the end. I watched The Godfather and at the end, I felt that the all out acclaim of the film was well deserved. The Wizard of Oz felt anti-climatic, though perhaps that is the goal of the story to begin with. The Wizard is a nincompoop simpleton. He doesn’t actually solve anyone’s issues, just gives inane awards to fill a certain desire of the person. I guess the Wizard does a great job of symbolizing the President of the US… ie… people expect the President to solve the world’s problems, but in the end, it is all an act.

I will concede the film was well done, with a great production. But as a cinematic experience, I felt underwhelmed… though certainly in ‘39 it would have been pretty sweet on the big screen. I’ll score it 8.5 on the scale out of respect for the film, but didn’t really get an 8.5 enjoyment from it.

8.5 of 10

The Parallex View - Yeah, this is only the third movie I’ve seen with Warren Beaty in it (Ishtar and Bullworth), so I’ve seen two very different sides of Beaty. Enter The Parallex View… a conspiracy film that I believe does such a good job at forming the conspiracy, that even rational people will walk away needing to try harder to explain why it probably isn’t true, however, keeping a lingering doubt in your mind as to how it could be true in the end.

The movie involves the eventual private investigation (by Beaty’s character) of the murder of a Senator, the twists and turns involved as he digs really deep. The movie is incredible for a few scenes of deep suspense. I did suffer a few moments of wondering whether the movie was taking some leaps or whether I was missing a couple of points along the line. I’d need to watch it again to see if I was just missing something. Otherwise, the movie is a good suspense film, better in some ways than The Manchurian Candidate (in my opinion).

7.5 of 10

Room Service - Marx Brother comedy that pretty much takes place in a single room. As usual, the Marx Brothers are a bit over their head economically, but are trying to put on a play. This movie takes a different tact as… JUMPING BUTTERBALLS, they improvise the suicides of two people in order to hold the hotel owner at bay… which at times leads to a little darker comedy style. Personally, my favorite bit was when the backer shows up and they burst into a room where Harpo is swinging a rod, trying to knock down a flying turkey. Movie was fun and had some good LOL moments.

As a side note, this movie presented two lesser known talents… at the time. Ann Miller and Lucille Ball!

7 of 10

How Green is My Valley - Typically unknown film made a long time ago. It was released to mild fanfare and was given little regard. The only reason why it is known is because the kid was in Planet of the Apes. Overall, the movie wasn’t as bad as it was panned. (yes, that is sarcasm) Great film.

8 of 10

Taken - This is an example of how one actor can save a movie on his own. You’ve got a halfway decent script, simple characters, not a great director but Liam Nielson makes it watchable. Put some other actor in it into the role and it will become unwatchable.

This is not to say the movie was great, just redeemed a bit. The plot was simple, the action over the top at times, but forgivable often times (not all the time), the cinematography wasn’t impressive (the movie could have been shot better).

Tell ya this, Luc Besson really has an issue developing different protagonists. Liam Nielson reprises the role of the Transporter… who reprises the role the Professional… who reprises the lead role and “The Cleaner” of La Femme Nikita.

But Liam Nielson makes it watchable. The film is compact (less than 90 minutes), doesn’t slow down because of love interests (no Transporter 3 lull), action sequences contain three really good moments.

5.5 of 10

Shadow of a Doubt - 40’s Hitchcock film, with a tremendous amount of suspense. Hitchcock controls the pace of the film marvelously. Not a minute was wasted, not a minute was needless. For a movie to be that old and contain that much of a thrill is a testament to the genius that was Hitchcock.

10 of 10

Always - I didn’t quite like this film as much as when I first saw it a while ago. I think maybe it tries too hard to be emotional. It is a good film, but I feel a bit like I did at the end of Pay it Forward, where the only reason for certain events was to fuck with the viewer. That said, Goodman is in great form in the film. It is fun and enjoyable.

7.0 of 10

WubbIdol - Oh yeah! Sparkle, Shine and Shimmer are headed to Wuzzleburg to do a talent content to find a winner to perform with them in Wuzzlewood. You know, Wow Wow Wubbzy is perhaps the greatest small children’s show ever. They really do package something that adults can not only stomach but actually enjoy. The movie itself was a bit drawn out. It could have ended at about 55 or 60 minutes, but overall, the film was “AWESOME!!!!”

6.5 of 10 overall, but 8.5 of 10 for a small kids movie.

The Letter - Regarded by many as Bette Davis’s best film, The Letter is about a letter that comes to notice after a person has been killed. The acting in the movie is great, the plot is great, the ending is great. You’ll never guess who dun it (if you are a moron or have never seen a Bette Davis film before), but the whole thing is just super! The only thing that is taken from the movie is that the suspense regarding the guilt or innocence isn’t too large with Davis… rather the suspense is elsewhere on the screen with other people. The problem with Davis films is that you kinda already know what has happened before the film even starts. The film makes up for this nagging issue however with the plot and the relationship of the other characters to Davis’s.

9.5 of 10

Curse of the Were-Rabbit - I may be out of line with this, but I think this is the best children’s movie ever. It is as good for adults as it is for kids. The claymation is top notch with a few additional special effects thrown in. The movie is exceedingly witty with funny bits everywhere on the screen if you notice them. Aardman proved how good they were a long time ago, but this film’s wit, style, plot, music, everything is just beyond excellent. While getting a great response, sadly, this movie, to me, doesn’t get the sort of long-term praise of a Finding Nemo or Wall-E, but honestly, I find this film blows those two movies away (as good as those films were), being able to keep up with the charm of those two films, while having a much quicker and consistent pace. Even Voldemort and Belatrix are in the movie, great performances, with starring roles.

Simply put, this movie could not have been made better. It won the Academy Award for best Animated movie and a ton of other awards.

10 of 10

Maid in Manhattan - Oy.. oy… oy… The writers thought, ‘hey, we’ll make the script move forward, use the kid as a plot progression device and screw any sort of actual meaningful plot development.’ This movie suffers the 1930’s to 60’s issue of characters who don’t know each other at all, just falling in love, in moments, as if it were nothing at all.

The movie simply exists to get itself off. Terrible stuff.

3 of 10

Pretty Woman - Yeah, the movie came out a looooong time ago, but just saw it in whole for the first time. There isn’t much to say about this film. It’s a love story, which actually showcases a legit love story arc. There is a reason for the ending to happen. Some cliches in the film, though perhaps it created them, I don’t know. Film is enjoyable.

7.5 of 10

Pat and Mike - Katherine Hepburn is one of the most remarkable women in the history of the planet. Her achievements were notable, but this movie showcases her abilities off the stage, mostly with regard to sports. A tennis player, golf player, shooter, she could do it all. Hepburn and Spencer Tracey star together in this film, where Tracey becomes her manager and trying to get Hepburn to become a success, but in order to do so, he must realize the cause of her foibles on the court/green. The movie is charming and has some of the unique charisma that Hepburn/Tracey shared on the screen. Not as good as Adam’s Rib, but certainly a movie worth watching.

8 of 10

North by Northwest - They fly on a Northwest plane… hence the name… I think. Hitchcock classic about a mistaken identity. Some rather excellent tension moments, especially the plane scene. And kudos to Cary Grant who did his own stunts… (in The Holiday many years back he does a couple backflips) that guy was nimble, even as he got older. The storyline is really good, even so many decades later. The suspense holds very well, even when it is aged. One of Hitchcock’s best and Grant is in typical Grant fashion/style. We all have some appreciation that needs to be given to Hitchcock for getting Grant back on the big screen!

9.9 of 10

The Great White Hope - Interesting film about the “life” of Jack Johnson. Flat out, the acting of James Earl Jones and Jane Alexander are superior. My big problem with the movie is that it is telling a story about Jack Johnson, not telling about the life of Jack Johnson. From best I can tell, snips a pieces are legit, but overall, it becomes too hard to figure out what was outrightly fictionalized and what actually happened.

I was disappointed at watching a fictional movie when I was hoping for a historical one. The movie itself has good drama, though the race elements in it (i.e. Johnson’s wisdom early in the film before the first fight) seem to be imported and not genuine. The acting is great. So for a film telling a fictional story it is very good. For a film depicting what actually happened, not so good. There is a true story here that could have been more honest to the truth.

8.5 of 10 for acting - 5 of 10 for historical accuracy

Old Maid - Bette Davis film about a woman who is grumpy. She has a child she can’t pretend she has. Really, the movie had all the swerves of a straight road. Davis, thankfully, isn’t overacting in this film as she can be known to do. The film is good enough, but I wasn’t particularly moved.

6.3 of 10

Operation Madball - Jack Lemmon stars in this movie about a number of military people that want one final bout of fun before the end of the war. I’d imagine that Lemmon’s character is a matured Ensign Pulver. The movie was better than I expected, as some war comedies can really be too cookie cutter and not worth watching. In the end, the guy gets the girl in a typical “it suits the plot, though there was no development at all for it".

6.0 of 10

Watchmen - I know nothing of the comic. The movie starts off good enough for me. Heavy on exposition, but I don’t mind storytelling. The film was doing well, but began to lull. Then a gratuitous sex scene… and then an ending that has me thinking, was I just duped? Is that an honest ending or did they simply not have a good way of finishing the film. Honestly, I felt the climax of the film wasn’t all to climaxy.

5 of 10

The Notorious Landlady - Jack Lemmon, Kim Novak and a non-dancing Fred Astaire star in this good enough comedy which displays the difficulties a Diplomat suffers when renting an apartment which is connected to a previous crime. Typical screwball film ending. This movie won’t have you guessing too much, but it gels enough and is fun to watch.

7.2 of 10

Fail Safe - Remarkably good Cold War movie about how insanely sensitive the trigger was for a nuclear war to develop. The movie stars a number of people such as Henry Fonda and Walter Matheu and even includes Dom Deluise. Hardly a comedy however. The thrill exists despite the film being well after the suspense of the Cold War. I really enjoyed the film.
8.9 of 10

How to Catch a Thief - Classic Hitchcock film starring Cary Grant and Grace Kelly. A thriller whodunit that you probably won’t be able to unravel. Great direction, great twists, typical Hitchcock. The only scene I didn’t like was when they added the fireworks in the scene. I realize it was symbolic, but honestly, it was really jagged and cheesy.

8.8 of 10

Watch On the Rhine - Bette Davis, Paul Lukas (won Best Actor for film) stars in this pre-WWII movie made during WWII about a silent, unknown movement that was trying to defeat European Fascism. German family (well Davis isn’t German) that comes to America via Mexico to rest and stay out of harms way after risking much in their cause.

The movie plays out much like it is on stage. There is more exposition than actual action in the film, which is alright, but of course tempers out some of the thrill that could be in the movie. The movie stays in-bounds and doesn’t get too elaborate. The antagonist wants something, finds a way to get it. The protagonist must choose what to do.

It is an interesting look at the politics of the time and dealing with the realities before there was such hindsight available. While the movie does talk alot, I think it benefits from it. This is a movie about ideas, not as much action.

My only beef in this film is the very last scene. There was absolutely no need for it. No, it wasn’t as bad as the after-credits scene in Wolverine ("I’m drinking to remember.” *YAK*), but it really wasn’t necessary.

8.3 of 10

The Great White Hype - Starring Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn, this movie about a white boxer…

…just kidding. I like this movie a bunch. Say what you want, I’ve liked Jamie Fox in the movies he was in prior to winning an Academy. A bit silly, but there was some charisma to him. The film, about “Don King” and the “sport” of boxing does a good job of not only conning the public in the movie, but the viewer as well. Jackson was super in the movie, as were many of supporting cast. The movie is self-contained, doesn’t last too long and reflects rather honestly on the world of boxing, regardless how much of a caricature the film is. Some good one-liners.

7.8 of 10

Adam’s Rib - Hepburn, Tracey, Holliday star in this film which flirts with a serious issue (equal rights for woman), but never takes itself too seriously, choosing instead to let the undoubtedly smooth charisma between Hepburn and Tracey take a hold of the screen. Honestly, they don’t even look like they are acting, but just being. Incredible… though expected between these two and their unique relationship. Holliday was in typical form, though her “typical form” had yet to be established yet. Her performance earned her a golden globe.

The script, plot, acting in this film is perfect, never over the top, never lacking. This is how a movie is supposed to be made.

9.8 of 10

Mr. Hulot’s Holiday

Yeah… you can tell I watched TCM last night. 1953 French film… which stands the test of time decently well. While this movie will not have you in stitches the entire time, it is dated, there are some really good scenes in it… especially the climatic fireworks scene at the end. The movie is French, but could be considered a silent film as there isn’t much dialog. The movie is regarded as a comic classic by some. It isn’t Bringing Up Baby funny, but good enough that it is worth watching.

7.5 of 10

A Day at the Races - Marx Brothers film which is quite exceptional, at the level of Night at the Opera (I think this film shared some actors with Night at the Opera) or Duck Soup. Very funny, scripted well enough and the lampoonery is really good and not over done. Get your tutty fruity here.

8.3 of 10

In This Our Life (with spoilers)

Bette Davis, Olivia de Havilland star (as sisters) in this movie about betrayal and recovery. Believe it or not, Bette Davis plays the role of the antagonist, a spoiled girl, out to create and seek pleasure in chaos. I know, it is such a stretch for her. The movie starts out quickly… Davis (Stanley) steals Roy’s (de Havilland) husband and runs off.

This movie actually is quite fascinating because it covers a couple huge themes as side notes. First off is Parry Clay (a black man). Not just a black man, however, a black man who has done well in school and wants to become a lawyer because as a lawyer his ability to work on his own won’t be as affected by his color. Hattie McDaniel, the large and plump maid that should be familiar to everyone from Gone with the Wind (and a ton of other films), actually gets to act in this movie for a scene, which was another nice change of pace. Instead of dumb old McDaniel, we get to see drama out of her, something that she was capable of, but was always typecasted otherwise. The color issue continues because Stanley is involved in a car accident and attempts to frame Parry Clay as the perpetrator. In a scene in the jailhouse, Stanley and Clay meet one another, it is white verses black. Clay alludes that it is no use. He can tell the truth, but it won’t matter because of the color of his skin. I’m hardly an expert on classic films, but of all the films I’ve seen made in the 40’s and prior, I’ve never seen such a tact regarding race relations before. It was such a change to see McDaniel and Anderson actually act on the silver screen instead of being relegated as dumb black folk, as was the custom in those days.

The other issue is that of class. The father of Stanley and Roy was involved with a company, and his partner in the company set him up for a fall so he could take over. Both Roy and Stanley looked down at him for acting weak, being taken advantage of, when in fact instead of being weak, he just values what he considers more important priorities. Stanley, who is always trying to get her way, was whining about not being happy. Stanley makes a very interesting retort (a double snap if you will) to her: severely paraphrased…

Father: ‘In my day we didn’t expect to be happy. If it came, we took it.”
Stanley: ‘Then what good was any of it?’
Father: ‘We believed in more important, old foggity ideals such as duty and honor.’

The line slams the 21st Century doesn’t it.

The plot of the movie, mainly about being able to move on, for the right reasons is rather good as well. All actors give a very good performance, in a film that I feel covered a ton of ground for movie shorter than two hours.

9 of 10

The Manchurian Candidate (remake) - Rarely can a remake encompass the same emotion and intrigue as the original. This film, starring Denzel Washington and Meryl Streep goes in a somewhat tangential direction with the film, taking sidelined queues from the original and acting on them. This allows the movie to be a remake, but also be its own film, which allows the viewer to still need to guess what is going to happen. A film that has big shoes to fill typically never fills them well enough. But when you’ve got the academy award actors in a film, you have a better shot.

Washington plays a much more struggling Captain who comes back from Iraq. Streep plays a, at times, much creepier version of Lansbury’s character. Schrieber plays a bit more convincing loner than the originally scripted Shaw. The twists in the film keep you on your feet and the movie never lags, and this is from someone who saw the original. This movie doesn’t ride on the coat tails of its predecesor, rather it hits its own homerun.

8.3 of 10

Cabin in the Cotton (1932) - Old, pre-code film (you can tell it is pre-code). Richard Barthelmess and Bette Davis star in this film which does an interesting job of depicting the life battle between Plantation Owners and the Tenant Workers. Barthelmess, who looks like a silent film actor (because he was), plays a boy (Marvine Blake) that was a son of a tenant worker. The father wanted his son to become someone and was trying to get him in school. The father dies and then the plantation owner takes the son under his arm, pretty much to mold him in his image. So Blake becomes educated and moves upward, but ultimately is pitted between the Tenant’s and the love interest there (Betty) and the Plantation Owner and the love interest there (Madge… played by Bette Davis).

Barthelmess, a former silent film actor, does play the role as if the movie were a silent film. A bunch of what I call “Star Trek stares” (with reference to the stares of Star Trek TNG or DS9 characters right before a commercial break). The first thing that comes to my mind is Singing in the Rain, where the silent film actors are having a dreadful time with sound. There was much more room for improvement in Barthelmess’s acting (I mean staring), but the script kept his character above the frey and quite honest to himself, which rescues the character from Barthelmess’s less than great Talkie performance at times.

Davis is a co-star, not a second star, but a co-star. So if you watch this film solely for Davis, there will be a little disappointment as Barthlemess is the single star of the film, as the plot revolves solely around him. Davis was the reason I watched the film, and while her role wasn’t as concentrated as I was hoping, the movie itself does work as the plot is intriguing. While the main role is bumbled a bit, there is enough character support to actually save the film and make it worth watching. I think the length of the film, a bit over 90 minutes helped from keeping the movie developing lulls.

I love the very final scene with Marvin, Betty and Madge… the love triangle that developed and how it seems to end in the conclusion and I found it quite satisfying (of course, maybe I got the wrong impression at the end).

7.5 of 10