BlogTopia (now with 11% more blog)

WASHINGTON DC – Due to a clerical error on House Bill 162A, President Barrack Obama signed into law, funds for the two war efforts that amounted to a much less amount than previously hoped. “We got the check in the mail today, and it was much lower than we expect,” noted General Bighemy. “I understand times are tight, but $85 isn’t going to cut it.” Military leaders in Afghanistan had similar comments regarding the funding.

The original bill was intended to have $167 billion in funds for the military efforts. The “billion” was accidentally left off the final language of the bill and therefore, President Obama and Congress only officially approved the $167 for the war efforts.

“This is extremely embarrassing,” President Obama in a press conference. “We are working at passing a second bill to fund the remaining $166,999,999,832 of the funds.”

Meanwhile in other news, the City of Topeka, Kansas was elated to find out that the $25,000 they wanted earmarked for improvements to playgrounds throughout the city turned out to be a $25 million windfall.

WASHINGTON DC – Cannibals grilled Fed Chief Ben Bernake over a fire pit today in Congress. Bernake was seasoned with sage, rosemary and a honey dill dressing.

SOUTH CAROLINA – Current Governor, and up to now, a favorite among Republican hopefuls for the 2012 Republican nomination for losing the 2012 Presidential election, Mark Sanford admitted today to putting his penis into the wrong vagina. “I need to admit that I put my penis into the wrong vagina. It was wrong and for that I’m sorry. I apologize to my wife for not putting my penis into her vagina instead. I apologize to my sons of whom I’ve now taught that ‘moral men’ put their penises into immoral places. And I apologize to all people of faith in South Carolina. Not over the penis thing, but just because I suck so much as a Governor.

“I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently, and only consisted of casual meaningless cybersex, as I suspect many of these things do, in just a casual cybersex e-mail back and forth. But here recently, over this last year, it developed into something much more than that. Hardcore penis in vagina stuff.”

Mark Sanford’s wife noted, “I believe in a faith that requires forgiveness as we all commit sins and all sins carry the same angry vengeance from our loving god. My husband committed a terrible sin, but I’m just thankful he put that penis into a vagina and not some guy’s anus… that’d been a worse sin.”

Governor Sanford joins former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer who also put his penis into the wrong vagina, however, in his case he paid specifically for that wrong vagina and choose to resign when it got out.

Obama passed legislation that will grant FDA greater power over regulating cigarettes. Kinda forgot to make nicotine, that addictive drug that companies put in cigarettes that makes people dependent on cigarettes.

Maybe if drug pushers put nicotine in cocaine or marijuana, those drugs would be deemed kosher by the Federal Government.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Keebler officials announced today that they were pulling some brands of their Keebler cookies off the shelves due to e-coli contamination. The CDC is tracking approximately 52 cases in 12 states, mostly in the southeast, which have required hospitalization due to exposure to e-coli.

Keebler was established by Godfrey Keebler in the 1850’s. Oddly enough, the man had absolutely no skill as a baker, yet was particularly successful after he began his business. Rumors noted that he opened the bakery shortly after he bought some forested land located north of Philadelphia; land to this day, is forbidden to the public and even the closest of friends to the Keebler family.

While the Keebler company has not officially announced the cause of the e-coli in the cookies, an unconfirmed, unsubstantiated, anonymous source that we gave $260 for some information stated that the CDC was investigating whether elf droppings were the source of the e-coli.

According to another source, since being purchased in 2001 by Kellogg’s, the quality control at the factory where the cookies and crackers are made, has dropped ’substantially’. In addition, attempts for the elves to unionize was ‘brought down by a heavy hand’ from Kellogg’s which could explain the possible disgruntled behavior that may have led to this recall.

This article was thoroughly checked for spelling, but facts and details alluded to by the anonymous writer(s) of this article may not have been as backchecked as they should have due to the author(s) wasting time playing a Flashware version of the Inseminate the Palin Daughters game.

NEW YORK – A pair of losses against the Florida Marlins has sparked a fire in the race for the coveted AL Wild Card spot. With only 93 games left in their regular season schedule, the Yankees hold a slim 1 game lead over the Blue Jays and a 2 game lead over the Devil Rays of Tampa (all three being divisional rivals).

“Things are heating up,” noted Baseball analyst Peter Gammons. “With well under 100 games to go, the Yankees can not afford to balk against the Jays or Rays. A single mistake and the Yankees will be looking from the outside in, with an insignificant 80 games left in the season.”

It is being reported that TLC is teasing a “major decision” will be made this Monday on the reality television show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″, a program about exploiting your family and life for money, which is TLC’s highest rated program.

Most people are speculating that the decision will be regarding a separation which, as viewers (or people who shop at grocery stores and are forced to see headlines on Tabloid magazines while waiting in line) know, the marriage between Jon and Kate has become very rocky as the two are becoming more separated over how to exploit their family for money.

Other speculators are proposing that the announcement will be regarding a possible family merger between Jon and Kate’s family and the Duggar Family (who are out to prove that the Vagina indeed is a clown car).

A minority of people believe that the announcement will be regarding their family reaching a breakthrough between the Israelis and Palestinians regarding legal and illegal Israeli settlements.

However, we at BlogTopia have broken what the “major decision” is going to be and everyone is wrong. We at BlogTopia discovered that the announcement will be regarding Jon and Kate employing “vigilante justice” on the paparazzi that have plagued their family since their reality show first aired years ago.

Jon and Kate will state that the paparazzi for too long have waited for them at stores, at their house and even snapping shots through their window. “The only way our family will find peace is through the bullet. If we encounter any paparazzi in our daily lives from this day forward, they better have bullet proof vests.”

Indeed, it has been well documented on video that the family has experienced an unfortunate amount of privacy violations. In addition private memos and letters written by Jon and Kate, found as we searched through their garbage, also attested to a growing frustration with their continually shrinking amount of personal privacy.

The announcement this Monday will have an unknown effect. While ratings will certainly increase at the chance of seeing a member of the paparazzi get “ice’d", it is unknown whether the paparazzi will take that chance. In addition, TLC worries that if the marriage finds peace, that ratings will drop as, according to polls, approximately 39% of viewers want Jon and Kate to “suffer a devastating divorce.” Stock prices were up 1% on the news of the announcement.

Tehran, Iran – Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei demanded an immediate end to election protests that have unnerved him since the election a week ago that declared Ahmadinejad the winner by a disputable amount. Khamenei warned the Iranian people that he would count to 3 for them to stop… or else.

PARIS, FRANCE – The Tour de France leadership announced today that it would conduct extensive autopsy’s on all riders following the Tour this year. The fatal procedures are expected to take one day per rider, with final toxicology results available after 3 months. The results will be used to determine whether any of the riders had used any doping drugs prior to or during the Tour de France.

WASHINGTON DC – Riding on the tail of the enormous success that was the D-Day invasion on the shores of Normandy, France, President Franklin Roosevelt declared the end to “major hostilities” in World War II. “In the Battle of Europe, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that continent.”