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NEW YORK CITY, NY – Captain Chesley Sullenberger, the pilot of a US Airway A320, was awarded the Key to the City of New York City by Mayor Bloomberg. The pilot, who was supposed to fly his plane to Charlotte, North Carolina and instead planted the plane approximately 600 miles short of the destination into the Hudson River was heralded for his ability to cut corners and call it an early day.

The event was dubbed the “Miracle of the Hudson” because it seemed impossible for a plane to land in such the wrong place, over 600 miles from the destination.

“When we landed, I was thinking, this isn’t Charlotte,” noted passenger Amy Beckinstein. “It was much too wet to be Charlotte. I was fuming to find out we just landed about 10 miles from LaGuardia. I didn’t go through security for two hours just to do it over again.”

A spokesman for the pilot noted that landing in a frigid river not 15 miles from the take off point was “the only viable alternative” to actually flying for two hours to Charlotte.

AKRON, OH – During a routine drive to the supermarket, John Hedson announced that the unidentified man who was driving in front of him was a “complete jackass” for not pulling out onto West Market Street when he had “more than enough” time to do so.

“He had 5 to 10 seconds of time, easy,” muttered John Hedson while behind the wheel of his SUV. “Jackass.”

It is unknown whether this is the same person Hedson cursed off for not leaving the line fast enough at a green light two days ago.