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This is so unprecedented. Terrorists in jails in America. I mean this is completely unheard of!!!!

Well, it is if you forget that Richard Reid guy who tried to light up his shoe bomb on the plane went to a prison in the US, that entire NYC terror cell involved with the WTC bombing in 1993 went to prison in the US, those involved with the Oklahoma bombing (granted, they are white so it is okay for them to be in the US prison) went to a prison in the US, and Zacarias Moussaoui… you know… that other guy from 9/11… he is in a US prison too.

So if you neglect all those high profile people, no terrorists in US jails.

Every once in a while, it becomes important to answer the mail bag, even if one doesn’t exist. But unlike Mike Barnacle, I admit to making up the questions. The answers, however, are true.

Q: Dude, like the Norm Coleman and Al Franken Senate race is still going on. What is the deal?

A: It is simple. They counted the vote… Coleman had a tiny lead. They recounted the vote and Franken had a tiny lead. Now Coleman is saying that Franken cheated. If you read a number of Henry Payne cartoons, clearly you can tell that Franken stole the election by winning more votes than Coleman.

Q: Thanks for the answer, but that leads to another question. Is Henry Payne a partisan douchebag?

A: Yes… yes he is.

Q: I’ve noticed that Sarah Palin pops in with the press every now and then. Won’t she just go away?

A: I wish, but she has formed a PAC group, which pretty much says she is trying to gain money to be able to run for President in 2012 or 2016. No seriously, she is. For some reason she thinks her simplistic charm, lack of deep intellect and be like a pit bull with lipstick makes her qualified for the White House. Granted, in 2012, she’ll have a full term (maybe) as Governor which will mean she’ll be as qualified as George W. Bush was in 2000. And somehow he won, so maybe she isn’t as crazy as I’d think she is. Out of touch, unqualified, simpleton… all yes, but crazy, not as much.

Q: That is depressing!

A: I agree, but that isn’t a question.

Q: What the heck are Googolets?

A: If I have to explain it, it isn’t funny anymore.

Q: If Global Warming is true, why in the world is it snowing so much?

A: Probably because it is winter.

Q: I’ve seen some pictures and am wondering whether Tom Brady has gone soft?

A: According to Dan Shaughnessy at the Boston Globe:

Yesterday was the last straw. You know what I’m talking about. You opened your newspaper (or perhaps viewed online) and saw the photograph of Gisele Bundchen feeding Brady at poolside in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

That did it. The tipping point. The coup de grace. The shark jumped.

But lets be realistic…

1) you jump the shark, the shark isn’t moving or jumping. “In Soviet Russia, shark jumps you.”
2) have you seen his girlfriend / fiancée? I doubt he has “gone soft".

Q: The Cleveland Browns have hired Mangini as their new head coach. What do you think of that?

A: I’m hoping the Cleveland Cavs get home court advantage for the playoffs. Based on their West Coast trip, that is very possible now. I also hope the NBA doesn’t permanently pass that proposed “Anything done to Lebron James is legal” rule that has been tested out most of this season so far.

Q: I’ve read that Beckham wants to stay at AC Milan. Do you think that is fair to the MLS?

A: Well, he’ll be on the Injured Reserved list either in the US or Italy, so does it really matter?

Q: With Liverpool being caught up to and passed by Manchester United, what are your hopes for L’pool for the remainder of the season?

A: I’m kind of hoping Manchester United gets relegated this year. They are only 29 points out of the relegation zone.

Q: Who do you like this Sunday, Pittsburgh or Arizona in the Super Bowl?

A: Sorry, can’t think of anything remotely funny for that. I mean other than 9-7 Arizona being in the Super Bowl, but I can’t take credit for that, that’d be the NFC’s doing.

The Republicans want to offer an alternative plan to scrap “wasteful” spending and add on more tax cuts.

“There’s widespread agreement that we need a stimulus package,” he said on CNN. But he said too much of the House bill was wasteful spending.

link to article

Let me be blunt… are they fucking kidding us?! Let’s look at the map. John Q. Public loses his job. Does he give a rat’s ass if he gets a tax cut on the paycheck he isn’t receiving anymore?! No, John Q. Public needs a bloody job. The engineers, surveyors, medical workers, our highly trained professional workers, need to keep their employment… those unemployed need to become reemployed, we don’t need a tax cut. What the heck is $20 extra a month going to do for me and the rest in the middle and lower classes? How out of touch are Republicans?

A tax cut to McDonalds do they can keep on a couple more $7 an hour wage workers? The auto industry is laying people off, tax cut or not! And those layoffs cascade through numerous industries.

Wasteful spending? Republicans wouldn’t know wasteful spending if it bit them in the arse! This “wasteful spending” is actually employment! Employment is crucial because people without jobs can’t pay their mortgage, people without jobs can’t help progress our economy by spending some money, and most importantly people without jobs don’t see a dime in a tax cut!

Republicans and their Disney-Lemming like followers need to wake up. The US needs to keep employment as high as possible, not tax cuts. Bush passed a huge tax cut in 2001 and we have seen dismal economic progress since then. What is it going to take for them to realize what the true priorities are?

OLYMPIA, WA – Nancy Menheimer gave birth to the first ever recorded Googolets last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, etc… “It is a miracle of God,” noted her mother, Reese Menders. “They [Nancy and her husband] were having problems conceiving a child. They saw a doctor and got help and we have this blessing.”

While the family celebrates the welcoming of these child into the family’s lives, doctors are scurrying about trying to find room for the 10^100 children that were born.

“She gave birth to more babies than have ever been or will ever be born in the history of the universe. We are having issues finding enough beds for these babies,” noted Doctor Emerson who helped deliver a large number of babies during the marathon labor procedure.

The pregnancy wasn’t easy and Nancy Menheimer was overwhelmed by the shear size she grew to. In fact, being pregnant with Googolets actually altered the orbit of Earth, which required scientists to add a “leap second” to the calendar at New Years. With the successful births, the Earth’s orbit should “return to normal” according to Astronomers at Cal. Tech.

When asked how she felt after the labor from the pregnancy of Googelets, Nancy took out a knife and lunged at the reporter, which cut the Press Conference short.

Singing in the Rain - Alright… here is the plot… it is a movie about making a movie. The silent film age is betrayed by mono sound. So people who starred in the silent films needed to talk and actually act… which would become a problem for those that couldn’t act or speak. So a cake in the face, a terrible preview, a storm, a completely unrelated musical/dance number, and you have Singing in the Rain. Funny, dramatic, dance, an undisputed Cinema Classic. 9.5 of 10

The Big Store - It’s a Marx Brother movie. The plot is a bit different than normal. Groucho plays a crookish PI. Harpo and Chico play the crookish accomplices. I know, I know, so different than every other Marx Brother movie. Believe it or not, the sidekicks are a lovely girl and her singer boyfriend. I know, this is all left field for Marx Brother films. All in all, the movie was a joy to watch. It wasn’t too long and doesn’t overstay its welcome. Was a little too silly at times, but a Marx Brother film, which typically means it should be watched.

What is really worth mentioning are a couple points. First off, Dumont deemed so much more comfortable with Groucho in the movie. The musical sequence with Harpo was probably the best of all the films they did, in my opinion. Fun to watch, but won’t be the classic of prior Marx Brother films. 6 of 10

Maverick - Garner, Foster and a, at the time, in the closet anti-Semitic Gibson. Very fun film, and you’ll laugh a bunch and then stop when you remember that Gibson pretends that it is the alcohol that makes him being an anti-semite.

Honestly, I think this film has a ton behind it. It may be under-rated, but I’m hardly a film critic. The acting by all is done well, the story has good twists and turns and you never feel like you were betrayed by a plot hole. I personally loved Foster’s acting as it really was a bit out of the norm for her. Garner and Gibson perform well in a what is a movie that delivers action, comedy and a solid plot. Will it be on TCM in 30 years? I think so. You’ve got how many Oscars and Oscar Nominations between the people in this film? 8.7 of 10

Bell Book and Candle (spoilers) - Jimmy Stewart, Jack Lemmon, Kim Novak star in this kinda duddish movie. I say duddish because while we all can pretend when watching a movie, the writers need to at least make things connect. My main beef is that Stewart tries to go back to his fiancee, but when she wouldn’t hear of it, he goes back to the other woman, who lied to him and falls in love with her?!

My other main disappointment with this film is that Lemmon is terribly underutilized in the film. The film may star Stewart, Novak and Lemmon, but it is worth skipping unless you are trying to see every film of one of those actors. 4.5 of 10

My Sister Eileen - Jack Lemmon co-stars with stars Janet Leigh and Betty Garrett in this sometimes really out of control comedy / drama. Two women, an actress and journalist, come from Ohio to make it big in New York City. It has a bit of The Rat Race feel to it, but unlike The Rat Race, there is actual comedy, sometimes a bit too asymmetrical and disheveled for my taste, in this film. CONGAAAAAAA!!!!!

Jack Lemmon’s presence in the film is minimal and not quite enough to make up for the film lacking enough pull for the drama. The acting is fine, as the two leading roles do a good job, but the script probably could have used a little more work. The comedy helps improve the rating relative to The Rat Race, but ultimately, this movie can be missed with little loss. 6.4 of 10

WALL STREET – Microsoft stock tanked when it announced that it only made $4.17 billion (that is $4,170,000,000) in the last three months. Microsoft announced that they wouldn’t predict financial forecasts for the rest of the fiscal year, other than to say that it’d be lower, which stunned investors who thought that Microsoft would exist in some sort of microcosmological bubble that would make it free of the Global Recession.

“I thought Microsoft would have been able to exist independent of the Global Recession,” noted top investor Chad Evans. “If Microsoft can’t exist in a bubble like we all thought would be possible, that means a Global Recession will lower their earnings. For all we know, they may only make a profit of $3 billion in the next three months. Why even bother existing as a company with such a low profit?”

Microsoft generated approximately $17 billion in revenue over the last 3 months, which is approximately a paltry $188 million a day. “For some reason the decline in sales of PC’s has hurt Microsoft. We are stunned, we didn’t see this coming.”

Attempts to find anyone with a brain on Wall Street were unsuccessful.

WASHINGTON DC – Senator Ted Kennedy collapsed and suffered from a seizure today. He was taken to a local hospital. Upon recovering from the event later that afternoon, the Senator noted that he had a “great dream” that an African American was just Inaugurated as President of the US.

To the Senator’s great joy, he was informed that Barack Obama actually was just Inaugurated. He responded… “…and I’m married to Carmen Electra?”

WASHINGTON DC – In what was supposed to be the normal transitioning into the White House, during not so good circumstances, turned much worse. “It was all lies,” said Obama. “We are so hosed.” Obama was referring to numerous problems, including the economic money that was given to the Treasury Department. Apparently, Bank of America and Citibank are long since bankrupt and have been lying, with the Bush Admin’s permission in order to “stabilize the economy.” There are no “stable” banks in the US at this time.

On the terrorism front, to make matters worse, one Presidential briefing dated January 19th 2009, notes that a nuclear weapon was smuggled in the US and is going to be set off this week. Former President Bush wrote a note on the briefing that read “get to that next week”.

And to make things even worse, the Bush Admin clearly hadn’t even started looking at a plan to replace the College Football BCS system with a better Playoff system.

“I don’t know where to even start,” said an overwhelmed and depressed Obama.

WHITE HOUSE IN “SAD” SHAPE

In what some are citing anywhere from “depressing” to “disturbing”, Obama staffers are starting to piece together what must have been a rough final year for President George W. Bush. Whiskey bottles and Bazooka Joe gum wrappers littered the White House everywhere, especially in the Oval Office. Countless scribbling on papers of “I was a good President” have been found as well.

The disheveled state of the White House didn’t end there. Dozens of maps and globes were ruined by someone who had scribbled text onto some of the countries, such as “Operation Re-election 2004 is a success -5/1/03” over Iraq. Over Iran, the word “Next” was scribbled on a number of different maps and globes throughout the White House.

Countless White House paintings of past Presidents had mustaches and glasses, sometimes including “googly eyes” drawn on them in blunt magic marker.

The Lincoln Bedroom had the remnants of a pillow fort, though judging on the amount of dust, it had been a long while since anyone had used it.

“It is going to take time to access the damage done here and in the nation,” said Obama. “The White House clean up shouldn’t be too hard, but there are a few important things missing.” Among the missing or lost are the alcohol in the building, a defibrillator, keys to the Camp David retreat and the ancient instructions of how to form Voltron, which without them, puts the US at threat from the Drule Empire.

“We knew we were in for some tough times. Well, it is clear, we are so boned.”

I can’t tell ya… it has been nearly 8 years since Bush first took office after what was an abysmal electoral decision by the US Supreme Court who sided with “expediency” over “accuracy". It wouldn’t take W too long to alienate the US from the world. He unilaterally left the ABM Treaty which has chilled our relations with Russia.

Then in a matter of a couple hours, the world came to our side after the 9/11 attacks. After what should have been a tremendous victory in Afghanistan and a chance for democracy in Afghanistan, Bush again unilaterally pulled out and set sights on Iraq, in what was one of the poorest planned American foreign policy actions in the history of the nation.

Katrina, Terri Schiavo, deficits continued… with one thing after the other. The Bush Admin has nearly sucked all the energy out of me. Their secrecy, their illegal invasions of privacy, their stand on torture, their out of touch black and white vision of the world… it just wouldn’t end. The denial, the spin, it was all in record form under the Bush Admin.

Goodbye W. Please leave and disappear. Sure, you may hope you’ll be vindicated like Truman, but you won’t. You were one of the most ineffective leaders in our history. In a time when the nation needed critical leadership, you failed. That is cemented in concrete. Anything good that comes from something you started will be in spite of your “efforts", not because of them.

WASHINGTON DC – During his turn, while playing a game of Monopoly with the family, President Elect Barrack Obama announced a sweeping stimulus package. “Right now, it is clear that some are suffering from the worst financial times since the last time we played.”

President-elect Obama noted that there was a “disproportional tax burden” on the poor for taxation in the game. “Having to pay a $75 luxury tax, when the most luxurious property you own is St. Charles Place is unfair.”

Citing conditions such as some players being over mortgaged and near default and a recent rash of high dice rolls leading to an exploded cost of utilities, Barrack Obama said that there was a need for immediate action.

Those in dire need of funding could go to the bank for an up to $1000 cash loan. Some critics of this portion of the plan argued that there should at least be a piece of the property involved in the transaction, so if the player still folded, the bank could recover the value of the loan. Obama gave in to that demand, but immediate lobbying took place by the underperforming players to have that rule taken off the books.

Other changes made as part of the stimulus package, Obama slashed the Income Tax rate in half, to $100. The Property Tax rate was turned into a tax refund for players making less than $200 after passing Go. Obama went on to even pronounce that any payments made for up keep of houses or hotels would be tax deductible.

When asked by his wife, what they’d do when the bank ran out of money, Obama noted the possibility of passing legislation to open a second game of Monopoly to temporarily use that money to fund his stimulus program.

GALLIPOLIS, OH – In what appeared to be merely a “rumor” sports article on Yahoo about New England Patriot’s QB Matt Cassell, actually turned into a magnificent triumph for User buzzman012. “I’m always hunting for news articles when they first come out,” noted the Gallipolis resident.

“I caught the Cassell story… and raced to the bottom of the page, I clicked on ‘Post a Comment’ link and put ‘1st’ in as fast as I could. After submitting I was so psyched to see that I got the first comment in.”

buzzman012 beat out a couple other users such as Captain Russell and journey4ever, for the honor of first reply, by mere seconds. Captain Russell was forced to reply a less than triumphant “2nd” while journey4ever was left to actually comment on the article by saying that the Patriots are a “bunch of fag ass cheaters.”

WASHINGTON DC – During the the confirmation hearing of Eric Holder, Barrack Obama’s nominee for Attorney General, Holder was asked whether he thought waterboarding was torture.

“No. I don’t believe waterboarding is torture… and I feel that using fire hoses and attack dogs on peaceful demonstrators isn’t an abuse of police authority.”

A quite awe fell into the room.

“What type of stupid question is that?! Of course it’s torture. Who the hell would think simulating drowning on someone who is blindfolded isn’t torture? I mean other than the asses in the White House right now,” finalized Holder to a chorus of laughs.

CAIRO, EGYPT – Envoys of both Hamas and Israel were given a proposal that, if accepted, would create a 10 day window for Israel and Hamas to “stop fucking trying to kill each other.” Both sides were hinting that they were optimistic that they’d “think about it [the proposal].”

Currently Hamas is being critical over Israel’s response to Hamas’ attempt of trying to kill Israelis. “We are only trying to kill Israelis,” said Hamas spokesperson Johann Spiegel. “Meanwhile Israel is actually successfully fighting back and killing us. That is unfair!”

Meanwhile, Israel is attempting to use brute military force to stop the anemic rocket attacks. Israeli spokesperson, Ahmed Hussein noted, “They pull a knife, we pull a gun. They send one of our soldiers to the hospital, we send one of their’s to the morgue. That’s the Israel way. We think it might actually work this time.”

DETROIT, MI – GM which is on the verge of bankruptcy, is hoping that the new hybrid powered Hummer will be enough to bridge them to the debut of the much anticipated Volt. GM CEO, Rick Wagoner, announced that the hybrid powered Hummer should get approximately 500 miles to the Prius or 300 miles to the smaller Insight.

Wagoner boasted that the integral operations within the vehicle were so efficient that the only byproduct material that the Hummer had in its exhaust was water.. and hydrocarbons, carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, and sulfur dioxide.

Sales for the new Hummer should begin early in Spring.

It is really simple. In the past two elections, the US Public has swiped away the power it gave the Republicans in 2004. Based on the results of the 2008 election, mainly the age demographic difference from 2004, Democrat support is growing, and in an age group that’ll be around for another 50 to 60 years. The 2010 elections in the Senate show an ominous sign for the Republicans as they will be playing the prevent defense again and will lose at least enough seats to go short of a Filibuster.

But I don’t believe that is why we are seeing articles like this in places like the Wall Street Journal.

As we anxiously await the debut of the Obama administration, we hear more and more about the incoming president’s “post-partisan” instincts. He has filled his cabinet with relics of the centrist Clinton years. He has engaged the evangelical pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. And according to Politico, he wants 80 Senate votes for his stimulus plan – a goal that would mean winning a majority among Republicans as well as Democrats.

Maybe these will turn out to be wise moves. Maybe they won’t.

Audacity they ain’t, though. There is no branch of American political expression more trite, more smug, more hollow than centrism.

Yeah, you read that right. Conservatives are now angry at Obama for not being liberal enough. Is that the funniest thing ever?! It is some sort of reverse psychology deal. If Obama was forming up the Socialist Rankings from the Communist Party, the conservatives wouldn’t be saying, “Well, he has a mandate.” So why are Conservatives reacting this way?

The answer is simple 1984… not the book, the election. Obama is already on the path of trying to capture a strong mandate, across the boards, which could lead to a Reagan v Mondale electoral devastation. The Republicans are bleeding seats like there is no tomorrow. The issue at hand is how much worse can the Republicans have it… the answer seems to be a bit more worse. In 2010, the Democrats have virtually no seats in the Senate at risk… the Republicans have about half a dozen. The Democrats can gain in 2010 and with such a majority and showing bipartisan spirit, this could gain enough mandate from the people for Obama to sweep into a re-election in 2012, being capable of making some huge and broad changes, from health care reform to true energy independence to a guarantee of rights such as abortion and eventually gay marriage. The Democrats could be on a path that would annihilate the Republican Party’s platform, giving them little reason, other than Xenophobia to be elected.

Republicans are scared that they may become a marginalized party. And they should be.

CLEVELAND, OH – The Cleveland Browns announced that they have signed Eric Mangini as their new head coach that replaces Romeo Crennel who previously had the job. Mangini was just recently fired by the Jets because they failed to make the playoffs in the last two years.

In other news Browns owner Randy Lerner has hired Don Bruski to be his new Limo driver. His previous limo driver was arrested last week for driving under the influence. Don Bruski just got out of jail for his 5th DUI offense.

What a mess! Illinois Governor tries to sell the seat, gets caught, charged, but way too early for a trial. State wants to impeach him, but he hasn’t even been convicted of anything yet, so that is premature as well. So what does the Democrat in Illinois do? He nominates a guy that he feels can’t be rejected for the seat as sort of a legacy attempt.

The Democrats in the US Senate are pissed that this jerk in Illinois says he is innocent of selling the seat (clearly seems guilty) and appoints someone to the seat. This is where pragmatism must step in. Yeah… what a jerk he is! But Burris isn’t the Governor of Illinois and as long as Blagojevich is the acting Governor, there is no precedence to keep Burris from being seated.

Of course, this isn’t a “race” thing unlike some fringe claims against the Democrats. I doubt any Democrat is against Burris because he is black. Rather it is an image thing. It looks bad having a corrupt Governor appoint someone to a seat in which he tried to sell in the first place. It’d be like a baseball player trying to sell the World Series and then getting the MVP for his performance after he had no buyers.

Burris should be seated. If there is no wrong to be found with Burris, there is no reason to deny his appointment. He didn’t buy his way into the Senate (a refreshing change). If Illinois does not wants him to keep the seat, they can do so with the vote when the time comes.

NEW YORK, NY – The Judge overseeing the Bernard Madoff $50 billion Ponzi trial is trying to reverse his motion to allow bail. Apparently, Bernard Madoff had the judge loan him $10 million to invest in the stock market, being promised a 30% return in just two weeks. Once the Judge noticed that Madoff had not paid him back and wasn’t returning any phone calls, he realized that Madoff had used that money to post bond. A hearing has been scheduled for Wednesday this week.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Senator Norm Coleman’s pending lawsuit regarding the status of approximately 800 absentee ballots, was rejected by the Minnesota Supreme Court, which almost assures Franken of the certified victory. The Coleman camp regarded the latest of the string of dismissals as voters being “disenfranchised,” despite the irony of challenging thousands of Franken ballots that were deemed valid votes.

Regardless, Norm Coleman stated that he would “hold his breath” until the Minnesota Supreme Court finally “got off his back” and gave him some “bonus ballots” to make up for ballots which he claims were either counted 7 times each or were counted but can’t actually be found or had Franken’s stationary header on top of them and were still counted.

With Al Franken standing with a leading of well over 200 votes, the State Canvassing Board is almost certain to certify him the winner of the election for the US Senate. Al Franken was said to be upbeat about finally being able to relax and stop nitpicking every little ballot for partisan gain for the ’sake of democracy’. “It is important that every possible vote for me is counted,” stated Franken in a printed statement.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Scientists toasted to each other with the confirmation of the nation’s first $50 scratch lottery ticket. “This is a magnificent achievement,” stated Scatchotologist John Inved. “This will transform the lottery as we know it.” The findings noted that the ticket won $12.

The breakthrough with the $50 ticket was developing a way to increase the scratch-density of the lottery ticket. “We needed to increase the density by over 2 full magnitudes,” said Edmund Yurgvist of the National Academy of Science. “It took years, but we were finally able to concentrate the scatchtocity enough for this breakthrough.”

This is the first huge leap in scratch ticket technology since the invention of the $20 scratch ticket in 1993. When asked in a press conference about the possibility of developing a $100 scratch ticket, scientists tossed it aside, “One step at a time.”

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL – The world was shocked today when Hamas called for Muslims to “strike at Zionist interests everywhere” in response to Israeli military incursions of the past week. Since the cease fire, Israel has continued in a sortie of attacks against Peaceful Hamas Installations in Palestine.

Typically when events like this occur, Hamas has held to the high ground, seeking diplomatic support to end the illegal Israeli activities. The last cease fire that expired two weeks ago was mainly brokered between Egypt and Hamas and Israel only went into it because they were duped into thinking it was a contract to get free Satelite Television. Once the cease fire expired, Israel immediately went on an offensive that has led to the death of over 5000 cute, adorable, innocent children… and puppies.

Hamas has apparently had too much of the violence and has called for strikes against Israelis anywhere. “We didn’t see this coming at all,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon. “For decades, it has been Hamas we could depend on for rational diplomacy in the wake of needless and irrational violence from the Israelis.”

President Bush said he was disappointed. “I was really pushing for Penn State to win against USC last night.”