The Republican Party has been slowly transforming into a mess over the past 32 years.

The Political Party (80's, early 90's)

30 years ago, they were a cute party with little Congressional power.  They wanted "smaller" Government.

The Cankerous Party (The Clinton Years)

Then after President George HW Bush lost re-election, they turned into a cankerous party.  Having won a wave in '94, they became a party that attacked the Democrat President, investing tens of millions into an investigation that found nothing.  They would impeach the President because lying about having sex.   Gingrich led to shutting down Congress just to screw with the Democrat President.  When Clinton attacked camps in Afghanistan (where some bin Laden guy was camping out), he was accused of "wagging the dog", a term stolen from a movie most people didn't see.

The Limbaugh Party (The W Years)

The Republican became much more partisan.  Even more importantly, the attitudes of those in Congress adjusted.  During the Cankerous Party years, the politicians at least sounded like politicians.  Come 2003 and 2004 in the short time the Democrats would keep the Republicans from having complete power, the Republicans would begin sounding like Limbaugh.  They becme very spin heavy.

Dennis Hassert would actually complain on NPR about how the Democrats blocked more judge nominees under W than any President ever.   The number of blocked nominees was actually substantially (ridiculously) lower than those outrightly blocked under Clinton via a "pink slip veto" (a secret method of veto'ing a nominee by a Senator from the same state as the nominee).

They also became the party against dissent.  Ari Flescher infamously made the "watch what he says" comment towards Bill Maher, who himself had said a "coward" couldn't fly planes into buildings and that it took courage to do something like that.  In no way was Maher condoning the 9/11 attacks.   In this period, they would suppress voting in 2000, claim liberals hated America for even questioning any proposal by Bush, or the Iraq War.  Some who spoke out against an Iraqi invasion were actually accused of being paid off by Hussein!

It should be noted, during these years the Republicans never acted to limit the power or size of Government.  In fact, the created warrantless wiretapping and appropriated massive increases in spending.

The Web Board Partisan/Troll Years

The Republicans have continued their demise as an actual functioning political party.   In early November 2008, they adopted the Wagstaff Doctrine.  Anything that Obama proposed, they'd be against it... and without any sense of irony.  For instance, when Obama liked the idea of Cap and Trade, something Republicans liked years ago... the Republicans were against it.  Obama suggested a Bob Dole like Health Care reform bill... the Republicans said Bob Dole was just bluffing.  Obama wants to extend tax cuts... the Republicans don't want to.

The Republicans in Congress, e.g. Boehner or Cantor, sound almost exactly like Limbaugh or Hannity.   Boeher said the Democrats were playing politics with tax cuts, by trying to extend them in a tough economy.  Meanwhile the Republicans nearly drove the US off a cliff with a US Default.  The Republicans have attacked Obama for massive spending hikes that he was never responsible for, against his intervention in Libya (claiming him a war monger, while bitching he didn't support the Iranian protests?!),  claimed Obama was trying to create "death panels" in the health care reform bill, etc..

Now during the primaries, Santorum is claiming that Obama isn't leading via the Bible.  Seriously, this is web board troll crap.  It has gotten so bad, I want to put the Republican Party on Ignore.

Google-esque jokes aside, Rick Santorum is managing to do something bizarre. Most in the Republican establishments were fighting Romney or Gingrich, much like the much publicized Dan or Dave Reebok advertisements for the '92 Summer Olympics. And like Dan O'Brien, Gingrich is falling by the wayside, and won't even be around for the final round of primaries.

So, one would think this would mean the Pro-Romney would be the shoe-in. Much like if Team Edward doesn't win, Bella goes with Team Jacob. But to parallel the current joke of a Republican Primary, Bella actually ends up going with the hot vampire chick that can see the future.

Yup, that's right folks, Rick Santorum is now leading multiple national polls, becoming just the third Republican to claim the highly distinguished prize in the last two weeks. Santorum becomes the fifth Republican candidate to take the lead in national polls. He joins the man he is replacing at the top, Mitt Romney and other cream of the crop Republicans Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, and Rick Perry, or in other words, pretty much everyone that has run in the primary except Michelle Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, and some Ron Paul guy who wears a boot on his head.

What can we take from the recent polling? Well, the steadfast, never say die support for Gingrich has entirely swung to Santorum. And while Gingrich is probably waiting by the phone for Obama to concede the '12 election to him, this may be the last swing in the primary for him. The bad news is that Ron Paul is still in the race and we'll still have to listen to his supporters not just get it that the Republican Party doesn't give a flip about him. Virtually no support from Gingrich is going to Paul which would be an indicator that he should fucking give up already!

Perhaps the most interesting thing in the latest round of "polls", is that Santorum has taken a massive lead in Michigan, a state Romney has to win because his dad was from there or something. Romney probably has some issues about his saying that the Big Three should have been left for dead. Some people may take issue with that. Now, it must be remembered, we are talking about Republicans here, so this lead is hardly safe. Romney led by 15 pts not two weeks ago in Michigan, now Santorum is leading by 15 pts. It wouldn't take much more than a cow passing some methane, or perhaps a Google search, for the polls to swing back in Romney's favor. Polling data in other states is light as media companies are recognizing that the Republican electorate is so fickle and ridiculous immature and without any basis of generating an original thought, polling would be a complete waste of money because someone might say Santorum voted to raise the debt ceiling because if the Senate didn't do it, America would have defaulted on its obligations... what an asshole... and lead to Joe the Plumber becoming the latest star surging from the rear of the candidate pool

Romney is continuing to state he is the best man to beat Obama. And he'd be right. Of the candidates left, Gingrich is too hated to be elected. Santorum... he wants to let states ban birth control, a stance that may not help him with the female or "people that like to have sex" vote, or people that recognize the Supreme Court precedence dating over 50 years ago in Griswold v Connecticut. Ron Paul wears a boot on his head. Seriously, what a nutball.

So indeed, Romney is the best option, but while Republicans are polling that beating Obama is a major factor in choosing who to vote for in the primaries, they don't seem to recognize that the idiots they've supported wouldn't be capable of doing just that.

BUFFALO, NY -- A recent poll among Americans is indicating that the Republican Primary is no longer "funny" and is getting dangerously close to becoming "depressing".  Up to now, many Americans have watched the primary with delight, laughing and smiling over ridiculous statements made by most of the contenders.

Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain were gaffe machines and for a while, Americans found it funny.  However, there is a negative trend occuring with the primary and many Americans are now finding the race between Romney, Gingrich, and Santorum terribly "unfunny" and bordering on depressing.

Responders were asked on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being Ishtar and 5 being Spaceballs, how funny do you find the primary now.   Over 35% of Americans said they found the Republican primary less funny than Ishtar now and 21% made references to Schindler's List.

Gingrich, Santorum, Romney, Paul are all that remains of the campaign as we've had another weak link throw in the towel.

Newt Gingrich

Gingrich is running on a anti-DC establishment platform that believes poverty can be eliminated by telling blacks that they get paychecks if they have a job (modeled much like Reagan's "Just say no to drugs" campaign squashed drug use in America). Gingrich's message resonates among the base in the South because many of them don't like black people. Also, they don't like DC politics... which is why they are supporting the former Speaker of the House and the guy that was paid hundreds of thousands to consult with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac about who to talk to in Congress to get the stuff they want, during the run up to the housing bubble burst. He gained lots of points for pointing out that Romney is out of touch with the common man because he is rich... which Gingrich also happens to be. Linguistic Experts at John Hopkins University reported yesterday that it is impossible to tell if Gingrich is using sarcasm and announced that Poe's Law will be renamed Gingrich's Law.

Rick Santorum

Santorum is running as God's candidate. His platform is one of strict adherence to the biblical law, or at least the parts he has underlined in his bible that he thinks matters most. While God has not yet endorsed a candidate, if he did, Santorum would likely be the one... assuming Yahweh is God.

Mitt Romney

Romney is running on a platform that he is a successful business man and therefore will know how to run a country. He has been silently dogged by being a Mormon, and the Governor of Massachusetts. Much like Gingrich, Romney will take whatever position is necessary in order to be elected. He was pro-choice in Massachusetts, now he is pro-birth. What may dog him the most is that he thought all people in Massachusetts should have health care. The Republican base hates such an idea that all people can be as free of pain and illness as possible.

Ron Paul

Paul is still in the race, in the sense that he hasn't quit. Paul has a bunch of great ideas, most of which aren't that great. Worst off, he is anti-big military (one of his actually good ideas), but he might as well have sex with the sister/wives of each guy in the South, as not being pro-military means you hate Baby Jesus. Paul was seeing his polling increasing, but in the end it stopped because his message just doesn't sound good to the Republican base. However, Paul supporters are still strongly behind him, certain of his eventual nomination via passive aggressive postings on web boards.

Review

With the resurgence of Gingrich, again, the story of who wins is in a bit of doubt. If Gingrich can win South Carolina, he can continue to tell people whatever they want to hear, which will lead to potential leads in the Super Tuesday primaries. Of course, plenty of time between now and then, so it is clearly too early to tell, not because we don't know who the best candidate is, but because the Republican Base is so mentally challenged, they have become as predictable as quantum foam. I'm still waiting for Romney to use the following on Gingrich in a personal attack in a debate, after Gingrich is yammering about the sanctity of marriage. "You know Newt, based on your record as a husband, I'm surprised you didn't want to be a Mormon."

Jon Huntsman - The Manchurian Candidate

Former Ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman is putting every egg (all two of them) in to the New Hampshire Primary basket. Huntsman's career appeals to New Hampshire because they like candidates that think for themselves... oh wait... that is Vermont. A good showing for Huntsman would help propel him to dropping out after Super Tuesday instead of before.

Rick Santorum - The NSFW Google Candidate

The latest Supernova Republican primary candidate to take a charge at Romney. His positions are all very conservative, he thinks we should bomb Iran and get rid of birth control. A very conservative Catholic, Santorum's election would lead to him appointing the Pope as his Secretary of Defense.

Knowing his brand of whacky conservative moral values isn't prized in New Hampshire, Santorum is skipping the state in order to try and win the hearts, minds, and any other part of the body he feels the Government has the right to control. Don't expect much out of Santorum in New Hampshire.

Mitt Romney - The Winning Candidate

Romney made a fortune by being a real life Gordon Gekko. He promises to help save the American economy by using his skills acquired by being a business man who made millions by destroying corporations through parasitic means. Mitt Romney is going to win the candidacy. He'll win New Hampshire and he'll win South Carolina, but pundits will say that he didn't win by enough. He did and he will continue to.

Rick Perry - The George W. Bush Candidate

The only difference between Rick Perry and George W. Bush is that Perry is actually a Texas boy. His speaking, government performance, hypocrisy however, matches W so well, some are wondering whether W is actually just wearing a disguise. Immediately after joining the race, he took the lead over Romney, being the first Supernova Candidate, and had great evangelical support. However, he opened his mouth and thinks that children shouldn't be the victims of angry White people.

His support has deflate and the biggest question remaining about Perry's support is why are they 5% still supporting him? A weak performance could very well not mean anything because Perry can't find New Hampshire on the map and has resorted to campaigning in South Carolina, a state that holds stupidity and ignorance as noble attributes.

Newt Gingrich - The Establishment Candidate

Newt Gingrich is trying to put DC straight. He's the man to take the leadership role because he knows how to solve all of these DC problems because he was in Congress when the snowball started leading America to these problems. He was the third Supernova candidate in the primary race.

Gingrich is the master salesman, working on getting anti-DC Tea Party support despite being an institution of DC and evangelical support despite being an absolute piece of immoral slime. Rumor has it, he was able to convince Barack Obama that he was actually born in Kenya. That is power!

Gingrich's one weakness, however, is that while he has great name recognition, that also comes with the baggage of people knowing he is an absolute ass. A good performance in New Hampshire is likely to follow a good performance in South Carolina, which would eventually lead to his candidacy. He won't have a good performance in New Hampshire, but that won't stop him from claiming that he had a moral victory and is on pace to take South Carolina.

Ron Paul - The Ron Paul Candidate

The alleged Libertarian candidate who believes the States should have the right to reserve civil rights among the people, not to have the Federal Government usurp that power. He is against the drug war, foreign wars, the Fed, the Patriot Act, the 14th Amendment, and about 225 years of Constitutional Law.

He has supporters more dedicated to him than The Grateful Dead. A strong performance in New Hampshire is guaranteed because his performance will be spun any way necessary by his followers because Ron Paul is great!

FT WORTH, TEXAS -- Hundreds of thousands of reported cases are coming out, alleging that the Democratic Party is abusing their constituents. Cases from across the nation, typically in urban areas, accusing representatives of the Democratic Party of abusing the trust and good will of those that elected them on areas such as the environment, financial regulations, the Iraq and Afghan occupations, as well as other areas of governance are being made to the press, local, state, and federal groups.

A statement was released by the FBI that has now begun investigating the allegations. It noted that "It is important for victims of this sort of abuse to not feel alone. You are not alone. If you have been the victim of an abusive Representative, come forward and we can see these abusers are brought to justice."

Many have alleged that some representatives have tried very hard over the past decade to keep their constituents from telling others. "It was terrible," noted Joann Chumley of Austin, Texas. "I voted for this Democrat and he got elected. He promised to push environmental reforms and fairer taxation, but he voted for ANWR drilling and for the extension of tax cuts for the rich." The abuse however got worse as the relationship continued.

"He told me that if I didn't vote or voted for a third party candidate, the Republican would win, and it'd be all my fault," noted Chumley with tears coming to her eyes. "It's... he's saying I'm that one that would be wrong."

Manuevers like this are normal in an abusive relationship, according to Tom Harold, a professor of psychology at The Ohio State University. "Abusers will use the classic method of turning the tables on their victim to make it seem as if the victim is the abuser." According to Professor Harold, this puts the victim on a greater edge and more likely to be submissive and not tell anyone about the abuse.

These abusive relationships also continue on as the abuser preys on the victim's optimism that the abuser can change. "This is common among the abused," noted Michelle Becker, a therapist with a local Social Services group in eastern Texas. "The abuser is always manipulative. They promise they will bring change, and things may look good in the beginning with large important speeches such as at Cairo, but then the original abusive behavior returns and he extends tax cuts for the wealthy and doesn't investigate war profiteering in Iraq."

The scope of the FBI investigation is expected to snowball as more and more victims come out and report on these abusive relationships. "Our phones are being overwhelmed," noted Ted Allison, the spokesperson for the FBI on this case. "The FBI is compiling all the information as quick as we can and will move forward with our cases as soon as logistically possible. We implore the victims to keep trying to contact us, even if the line is busy, keep trying. We need to hear from you so you can have your justice."

DES MOINES, IA -- Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced today that after coming near dead last in the Iowa Caucus that she was going to step aside. "The Iowan voters spoke and I will listen and step out of the Presidential run."

A somber Michelle Bachmann thanked her supporters. "Our supporters were so wonderful. Me and my family have no regrets, as we spent none of our own money."

The Bachmann campaign started well with her winning a straw poll back in June which saw he Iowa and National polling numbers rise. However, she opened her mouth and by August Rick Perry had overtaken her in the polls to contest front runner Mitt Romney.

Bachmann made her evangelical faith the center of her campaign and her announcement continued to do so. "I have fulfilled the will of my Lord and Savior. Jesus wanted me to finish in sixth in the Iowa caucus and he doesn't want me running anymore, so I look forward to what Jesus has in store for me," noted Bachmann in front of a small crowd who were dismayed by the news of her stepping out of the race.

Bachmann took no questions after she gave her announcement, so there are still unanswered questions as to whether she will endorse another candidate or where her ten or so dozen supporters may flock over to. Additionally, no one could inquire whether God wanted Bachmann to run for re-election in her district.

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This is inspired by the truth

CONCORD, NH (where Bachmann says the Revolutionary War started) -- Newt Gingrich, in front of a medium sized crowd of supporters in New Hampshire said he was humbled by the electoral results and would proudly accept the Republican Nomination for President.

"I want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point," noted Gingrich. "Our showing in Iowa proves that perseverance is the key to victory in elections. Despite all of the negative ads against me, my attempt to keep everything civil led to my nomination."

Gingrich who finished a deep fourth in yesterday's Iowa Caucus noted that his performance meant that his nomination was clearly inevitable so it was best to accept it now instead of waiting for the Convention.

Gingrich did speak negatively about his competition, annoyed with their disobedience. "Unfortunately, some of my colleagues just don't want to see the inevitable and continue to show the same lack of class they showed in the run up to the Caucus. I've yet to receive any conciliatory call from Paul or Romney.

"We need to get past our differences and unite as a single party to take back America!" This was followed by boisterous applause from his supporters.

Gingrich noted he was trying to contact the Democratic Committee to schedule 42 debates between January and November with President Obama that would model "Lincoln-Douglas" style debates about Roman Imperialism and such subjects that would prove Gingrich was the right man to lead this nation.

Recently Republicans in Congress saved the Incandescent light bulb from "extinction" when regulations were about to go into effect that would have required higher efficiency standards for light bulbs, which would have led to the reduction in incandescent bulb production and purchases.  Thanks to the general lack of an informed/non-partisan media, there are still some myths about the debate.  This is to help clear all the confusion.

Myth: CFL's bulbs are ugly.

Fact: Incandescent bulbs aren't pretty.  No one has ever looked at an incandescent bulb and remarked, "What a marvelous looking bulb!"  In addition, no one ever looks at their light bulbs, or at the light bulbs in another house.  In fact, light bulbs are probably the least looked at item in a home because they are fucking bright and hurt to stare at.

Myth: CFL's cost more than incandescent bulbs.

Fact: While the initial cost of CFL's is higher than typical incandescent bulbs, the actual cost for price and usage for CFL's is lower as they use much less electricity than incandescent bulbs.   Additionally, CFL's last for much longer periods of time.   The price of CFL's has dropped substantially over the years since they came out over a decade ago, and will continue to drop as LED lighting starts becoming more popular.   CFL bulbs are also hardly the only thing that intially costs more than its competition.  It is common for quality items to cost more upfront, but then lead to better performance and longer lasting life span, like... well... anything else you can buy.  You refuse to buy a $30 shirt because you can get a real cheap one for $4?

Myth: CFL's aren't as bright as incandescent bulbs.

Fact: You could say that about anything.  My flashlight isn't as bright as my car's headlights.  It's comparing apples to oranges.  Lumen to lumen, there is no difference between brightness, as lumens measure the brightness of a bulb.  So compare the lumens, ie look at what you are actually buying, and the CFL bulbs will be dimmer, equivalent, or brighter based on the type of CFL bulb you get.   Do you go to the grocery store and get a package of ground beef without looking at the fat content?

Myth: CFL's are inferior to incandescent bulbs.

Fact: What is this, 2000?  There are dimmable CFL's, three setting CFL's, small CFL's, big CFL's, outdoor CFL's.  Turn off Fox News, go to the store, get some CFL's and save some bloody money already on your electric bill!  You'll bitch and moan about paying higher taxes, but will screw yourself in spite by refusing to enter the 21st century and get energy efficient, longer lasting CFL's.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about CFL bulbs.

WASHINGTON DC -- A recent Gallup poll determined that the vast majority of Americans want tax cuts, lower spending, shoring up of Social Security / Medicare, a strong military, and to eliminate annual deficits.

When asked whether they felt that these things conflicted with one another, 90% of them replied "not that I can see".