BUFFALO, NY -- A recent poll among Americans is indicating that the Republican Primary is no longer "funny" and is getting dangerously close to becoming "depressing".  Up to now, many Americans have watched the primary with delight, laughing and smiling over ridiculous statements made by most of the contenders.

Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain were gaffe machines and for a while, Americans found it funny.  However, there is a negative trend occuring with the primary and many Americans are now finding the race between Romney, Gingrich, and Santorum terribly "unfunny" and bordering on depressing.

Responders were asked on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being Ishtar and 5 being Spaceballs, how funny do you find the primary now.   Over 35% of Americans said they found the Republican primary less funny than Ishtar now and 21% made references to Schindler's List.

Jon Huntsman - The Manchurian Candidate

Former Ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman is putting every egg (all two of them) in to the New Hampshire Primary basket. Huntsman's career appeals to New Hampshire because they like candidates that think for themselves... oh wait... that is Vermont. A good showing for Huntsman would help propel him to dropping out after Super Tuesday instead of before.

Rick Santorum - The NSFW Google Candidate

The latest Supernova Republican primary candidate to take a charge at Romney. His positions are all very conservative, he thinks we should bomb Iran and get rid of birth control. A very conservative Catholic, Santorum's election would lead to him appointing the Pope as his Secretary of Defense.

Knowing his brand of whacky conservative moral values isn't prized in New Hampshire, Santorum is skipping the state in order to try and win the hearts, minds, and any other part of the body he feels the Government has the right to control. Don't expect much out of Santorum in New Hampshire.

Mitt Romney - The Winning Candidate

Romney made a fortune by being a real life Gordon Gekko. He promises to help save the American economy by using his skills acquired by being a business man who made millions by destroying corporations through parasitic means. Mitt Romney is going to win the candidacy. He'll win New Hampshire and he'll win South Carolina, but pundits will say that he didn't win by enough. He did and he will continue to.

Rick Perry - The George W. Bush Candidate

The only difference between Rick Perry and George W. Bush is that Perry is actually a Texas boy. His speaking, government performance, hypocrisy however, matches W so well, some are wondering whether W is actually just wearing a disguise. Immediately after joining the race, he took the lead over Romney, being the first Supernova Candidate, and had great evangelical support. However, he opened his mouth and thinks that children shouldn't be the victims of angry White people.

His support has deflate and the biggest question remaining about Perry's support is why are they 5% still supporting him? A weak performance could very well not mean anything because Perry can't find New Hampshire on the map and has resorted to campaigning in South Carolina, a state that holds stupidity and ignorance as noble attributes.

Newt Gingrich - The Establishment Candidate

Newt Gingrich is trying to put DC straight. He's the man to take the leadership role because he knows how to solve all of these DC problems because he was in Congress when the snowball started leading America to these problems. He was the third Supernova candidate in the primary race.

Gingrich is the master salesman, working on getting anti-DC Tea Party support despite being an institution of DC and evangelical support despite being an absolute piece of immoral slime. Rumor has it, he was able to convince Barack Obama that he was actually born in Kenya. That is power!

Gingrich's one weakness, however, is that while he has great name recognition, that also comes with the baggage of people knowing he is an absolute ass. A good performance in New Hampshire is likely to follow a good performance in South Carolina, which would eventually lead to his candidacy. He won't have a good performance in New Hampshire, but that won't stop him from claiming that he had a moral victory and is on pace to take South Carolina.

Ron Paul - The Ron Paul Candidate

The alleged Libertarian candidate who believes the States should have the right to reserve civil rights among the people, not to have the Federal Government usurp that power. He is against the drug war, foreign wars, the Fed, the Patriot Act, the 14th Amendment, and about 225 years of Constitutional Law.

He has supporters more dedicated to him than The Grateful Dead. A strong performance in New Hampshire is guaranteed because his performance will be spun any way necessary by his followers because Ron Paul is great!

FT WORTH, TEXAS -- Hundreds of thousands of reported cases are coming out, alleging that the Democratic Party is abusing their constituents. Cases from across the nation, typically in urban areas, accusing representatives of the Democratic Party of abusing the trust and good will of those that elected them on areas such as the environment, financial regulations, the Iraq and Afghan occupations, as well as other areas of governance are being made to the press, local, state, and federal groups.

A statement was released by the FBI that has now begun investigating the allegations. It noted that "It is important for victims of this sort of abuse to not feel alone. You are not alone. If you have been the victim of an abusive Representative, come forward and we can see these abusers are brought to justice."

Many have alleged that some representatives have tried very hard over the past decade to keep their constituents from telling others. "It was terrible," noted Joann Chumley of Austin, Texas. "I voted for this Democrat and he got elected. He promised to push environmental reforms and fairer taxation, but he voted for ANWR drilling and for the extension of tax cuts for the rich." The abuse however got worse as the relationship continued.

"He told me that if I didn't vote or voted for a third party candidate, the Republican would win, and it'd be all my fault," noted Chumley with tears coming to her eyes. "It's... he's saying I'm that one that would be wrong."

Manuevers like this are normal in an abusive relationship, according to Tom Harold, a professor of psychology at The Ohio State University. "Abusers will use the classic method of turning the tables on their victim to make it seem as if the victim is the abuser." According to Professor Harold, this puts the victim on a greater edge and more likely to be submissive and not tell anyone about the abuse.

These abusive relationships also continue on as the abuser preys on the victim's optimism that the abuser can change. "This is common among the abused," noted Michelle Becker, a therapist with a local Social Services group in eastern Texas. "The abuser is always manipulative. They promise they will bring change, and things may look good in the beginning with large important speeches such as at Cairo, but then the original abusive behavior returns and he extends tax cuts for the wealthy and doesn't investigate war profiteering in Iraq."

The scope of the FBI investigation is expected to snowball as more and more victims come out and report on these abusive relationships. "Our phones are being overwhelmed," noted Ted Allison, the spokesperson for the FBI on this case. "The FBI is compiling all the information as quick as we can and will move forward with our cases as soon as logistically possible. We implore the victims to keep trying to contact us, even if the line is busy, keep trying. We need to hear from you so you can have your justice."

DES MOINES, IA -- Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced today that after coming near dead last in the Iowa Caucus that she was going to step aside. "The Iowan voters spoke and I will listen and step out of the Presidential run."

A somber Michelle Bachmann thanked her supporters. "Our supporters were so wonderful. Me and my family have no regrets, as we spent none of our own money."

The Bachmann campaign started well with her winning a straw poll back in June which saw he Iowa and National polling numbers rise. However, she opened her mouth and by August Rick Perry had overtaken her in the polls to contest front runner Mitt Romney.

Bachmann made her evangelical faith the center of her campaign and her announcement continued to do so. "I have fulfilled the will of my Lord and Savior. Jesus wanted me to finish in sixth in the Iowa caucus and he doesn't want me running anymore, so I look forward to what Jesus has in store for me," noted Bachmann in front of a small crowd who were dismayed by the news of her stepping out of the race.

Bachmann took no questions after she gave her announcement, so there are still unanswered questions as to whether she will endorse another candidate or where her ten or so dozen supporters may flock over to. Additionally, no one could inquire whether God wanted Bachmann to run for re-election in her district.

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This is inspired by the truth

CONCORD, NH (where Bachmann says the Revolutionary War started) -- Newt Gingrich, in front of a medium sized crowd of supporters in New Hampshire said he was humbled by the electoral results and would proudly accept the Republican Nomination for President.

"I want to thank everyone that helped us get to this point," noted Gingrich. "Our showing in Iowa proves that perseverance is the key to victory in elections. Despite all of the negative ads against me, my attempt to keep everything civil led to my nomination."

Gingrich who finished a deep fourth in yesterday's Iowa Caucus noted that his performance meant that his nomination was clearly inevitable so it was best to accept it now instead of waiting for the Convention.

Gingrich did speak negatively about his competition, annoyed with their disobedience. "Unfortunately, some of my colleagues just don't want to see the inevitable and continue to show the same lack of class they showed in the run up to the Caucus. I've yet to receive any conciliatory call from Paul or Romney.

"We need to get past our differences and unite as a single party to take back America!" This was followed by boisterous applause from his supporters.

Gingrich noted he was trying to contact the Democratic Committee to schedule 42 debates between January and November with President Obama that would model "Lincoln-Douglas" style debates about Roman Imperialism and such subjects that would prove Gingrich was the right man to lead this nation.

BERKLEY, CA -- A UCLA study has shown that the average American wastes 1.2 years of their life either trying to make exact change, collecting exact change, or waiting behind some asshole who is trying make exact change.

The Report released today capped a 2 year investigation as to how long people wait for exact change to be made.  "This goes far to show how much time we waste with exact change," noted study author Professor William Carson.  "When people realize that they are wasting this much time with exact change, maybe they'll think twice and just take change back in exchange."

The study noted that there were a couple limitations.  The study did not take into account toll booths or when someone offers an exact change amount in order to get only whole bills as change instead of bills and coins.

NEW YORK, NY -- Gilberto Sanchez was sentenced yesterday to one year in Federal prison for leaking the film Wolverine onto the Internet before the film was released in theaters.

"We hope this sends a strong message," stated United States Attorney Andre Birotte Jr.  "Releasing that film online was a borderline violation of human rights.  Simply put, the movie was that bad."

Federal statutes allowed for a sentence of up to three years for what it called "Using piracy to expose the public to terrible films."

In addition to the sentence, the judge also added a year of additional restrictions, mainly with regards to Internet access.   The judge stated that Sanchez seemed remorseless for his actions as he had repeatedly bootlegged such movies to the Internet including Norbit, 2012, and Daddy Day Care.

"I just thank god that you didn't have such access to the Internet back when Battlefield Earth was released," finalized the judge during sentencing.

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Inspired by the truth

Recently Republicans in Congress saved the Incandescent light bulb from "extinction" when regulations were about to go into effect that would have required higher efficiency standards for light bulbs, which would have led to the reduction in incandescent bulb production and purchases.  Thanks to the general lack of an informed/non-partisan media, there are still some myths about the debate.  This is to help clear all the confusion.

Myth: CFL's bulbs are ugly.

Fact: Incandescent bulbs aren't pretty.  No one has ever looked at an incandescent bulb and remarked, "What a marvelous looking bulb!"  In addition, no one ever looks at their light bulbs, or at the light bulbs in another house.  In fact, light bulbs are probably the least looked at item in a home because they are fucking bright and hurt to stare at.

Myth: CFL's cost more than incandescent bulbs.

Fact: While the initial cost of CFL's is higher than typical incandescent bulbs, the actual cost for price and usage for CFL's is lower as they use much less electricity than incandescent bulbs.   Additionally, CFL's last for much longer periods of time.   The price of CFL's has dropped substantially over the years since they came out over a decade ago, and will continue to drop as LED lighting starts becoming more popular.   CFL bulbs are also hardly the only thing that intially costs more than its competition.  It is common for quality items to cost more upfront, but then lead to better performance and longer lasting life span, like... well... anything else you can buy.  You refuse to buy a $30 shirt because you can get a real cheap one for $4?

Myth: CFL's aren't as bright as incandescent bulbs.

Fact: You could say that about anything.  My flashlight isn't as bright as my car's headlights.  It's comparing apples to oranges.  Lumen to lumen, there is no difference between brightness, as lumens measure the brightness of a bulb.  So compare the lumens, ie look at what you are actually buying, and the CFL bulbs will be dimmer, equivalent, or brighter based on the type of CFL bulb you get.   Do you go to the grocery store and get a package of ground beef without looking at the fat content?

Myth: CFL's are inferior to incandescent bulbs.

Fact: What is this, 2000?  There are dimmable CFL's, three setting CFL's, small CFL's, big CFL's, outdoor CFL's.  Turn off Fox News, go to the store, get some CFL's and save some bloody money already on your electric bill!  You'll bitch and moan about paying higher taxes, but will screw yourself in spite by refusing to enter the 21st century and get energy efficient, longer lasting CFL's.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about CFL bulbs.

WALL STREET -- The DOW was up about 250 points by Noon today as European Banks began engulfing hundreds of billions in bad, risky, probably going to make them bankrupt debt bonds from nations like Italy and Spain who's borrowing rates have dropped significantly since the European banks have apparently given up caring whether their major customers can actually pay up.

"Really, it doesn't matter, 3% or 6%, if the nation defaults, we don't get paid either way," noted Deutche Bank President Van Liemer.

With the recent suck up of national bonds, and the almost certain recession in European nations due to austerity cuts to manage the national debts, the DOW reacted swiftly by going up and up and up.

"We love this shit," stated John Wilson, a floor trader.  "As long as we can allow ourselves to think this will stop a recession, we'll lap it up like a cat laps up cream."

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Inspired by the truth

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA -- A think tank that concentrates on domestic and foreign policies has estimated that hundreds of thousands of American families will gather this Christmas and discuss important issues from taxation, the deficit, illegal immigration, and foreign policy without having a "single clue" about any of the issues.

"We expect that most of these people will be arguing points they heard on the radio, seen on the Internet, gleemed while skipping through a book at Barnes and Nobles, or entirely made up on the spot," noted John Emerson of the CSIS.  It is expected that many will makes comments on the economy without ever reading an article on the economy, discuss the US Budget without ever have seeing a page from a US Budget, talk about foreign policy decisions with nations that they couldn't locate on a map, and committ several false equivalence fallacies about how "both sides are just as bad".

The CSIS estimated that nearly 60% of all discussions on the deficit will include a comment about "earmarks" needing to be done away with, despite only representing 0.1% of the Federal Budget.   It is estimated that 5% of households will include conversation about the alleged lack of a birth certificate.  Expectations are that over 50% of households will hold discussions that include how "obviously fair" a flat tax is.

Think tanks agree that in general, households should expect that roughly only 5 to 10% of claims or statements are actually factual and shouldn't be treated as the bullshit it really is.