STOKE CITY, ENGLAND -- A rumored transfer during the January transfer window of Stoke City's Rory Delap to the Cleveland Cleats has been nixed according to Cleveland Cleats' player management director, Yuuv Bin Had.

The Cleveland director noted that the Cleats did make inquiries into getting Delap and there were favorable responses from Stoke City.

The transfer deal broke up after Tony Pulis learned that the Cleats were a fantasy football team, not a real team. "When I find out the fool who put this deal in front of me without looking into the origins of the offer, I'm going to rip his limbs from..." Pulis wasn't happy.

Rory Delap didn't even know about the possible transfer deal. "The who and the what now?" asked Delap. "Cleveland... as in the US?"

With the fall through of the transfer, the Cleats will begin looking elsewhere for talent.

Hattrick - Cleveland Cleats

NEWARK, OH -- The Cleats looking to have a repeat result against the Newark Bearcats this weekend. The Cleats who handled the Bearcats at the Shoe Box, need to carry home three points in order to remain competitive for the second place position in V. 256.

UPDATE!

NEWARK, NJ -- The Cleats were rushing for the team bus as the Cleats' manager of transportation incorrectly though the Bearcats made their home in Newark, OH, located outside of Columbus. "We hope to not let this get us out of sync," noted Coach Gunkel. "These things happen, but we need to rise above it and take all three points if we want to challenge Vacuums for second."

UPDATE!!!

NEWARK, CA -- The Cleats were in an absolute scramble, racing to the Newark Airport to fly across the country to get to the Newark stadium, located near San Jose, California. The Cleats' manager of transportation was sacked after making arrangements at yet another wrong Newark. "There is a Newark in California?!" asked Gunkel.

Hattrick - Cleveland Cleats

SOMEWHERE, SWEDEN -- In what is being called one of the larger crashes in recent history, the Hattrick server crashed after the Cleats lost at home against SelamiSpor.

"We believe once the server realized what it had done, it fell into a state of depression," stated Jhorn Sebastian.

In the morning, when the workers came into the office, they noticed the main match server sobbing uncontrollably while eating out of a carton of ice cream. When the server saw it was seen by the programmers, it panicked and ultimately crashed.

"We are doing the best to reboot and get the server back on schedule, but it is still taking this Cleveland Cleats loss too much to heart," stated Sven Rosberg, the head equipment manager. "We estimate that upwards of 75% of the CPU resources are being used by the server to pity over its result for the Cleats match up."

The Hattrick main office stated in a release that they hope to get the server fully online by some gentle coddling and Cathy comics.

Hattrick - Cleveland Cleats

CLEVELAND, OH -- Cleveland Cleats' skipper Coach Gunkel has been very pleased with his team's performance as of late.

"We've won 18 games in a row, took our third Division VI title in 3 full seasons in Division VI, we made it to the third round of the Cup," noted the Coach. Indeed, the Cleats have made great strides. They are headed to the third round. And despite facing extremely stiff competition, the Cleats are undefeated after two rounds. However...

"We're King Kong of this jungle," said defender William Eggleston with respect to their league.

"I think they have a mistaken idea as to where we really stand," said Gunkel. Indeed! They beat a top team last Sunday, but Lokomotiv-2 mistakenly used a random number generator to assign their lineup. The 2nd round Cup opponent had a take your kid to work day... so an eight year old played net.

"We're doing well, but..." started Gunkel.

"We're bigger than Jesus!" interrupted striker, Rodney Cabral.

Gunkel sighed.

Hattrick - Cleveland Cleats

CLEVELAND, OH -- The Cleveland Cleats' Head Promoter, Don Sellsmore, announced today that they would be releasing a CD on their home opener. "We are hoping to get the spirit for this season out so that the fans can fully enjoy what we hope is a successful season."

The album will be a compilation of 14 hits and will be played in the stadium during the regular season and will sell for about $6 to paying fans. The album will include the following tracks:

All I Need is a Miracle - Mike and the Mechanics
Against All Odds - Phil Collins
Never Gonna Get It - En Vogue
So Sad About Us - The Who
Dream On - Aerosmith
Driven to Tears - The Police
Free Fallin' - Tom Petty
I'll Drive the Hearse - Porcupine Tree

A special addition that includes all players signing the CD will include a special track, Catholic Girls by Frank Zappa. "Yeah... we just thought we'd put that on there."

Hattrick - Cleveland Cleats

CLEVLAND, OHYO -- In a announcment that was ridled withe spelin errs, the Clevaland Media anouncedd that Tit Kotnik was elekted as the team MYP. Dee spite halfing 26 goalz, Roderick Mirbach did nut win the award.

"Kotnik dis played inkredible squil on the feld. While Mirback skord so offen, if it wure not four Kotnik's asistence on thee field, thos skoring chanses wood have ben non-existant."

Cleveland Cleats