NEW YORK, NY -- Gilberto Sanchez was sentenced yesterday to one year in Federal prison for leaking the film Wolverine onto the Internet before the film was released in theaters.

"We hope this sends a strong message," stated United States Attorney Andre Birotte Jr.  "Releasing that film online was a borderline violation of human rights.  Simply put, the movie was that bad."

Federal statutes allowed for a sentence of up to three years for what it called "Using piracy to expose the public to terrible films."

In addition to the sentence, the judge also added a year of additional restrictions, mainly with regards to Internet access.   The judge stated that Sanchez seemed remorseless for his actions as he had repeatedly bootlegged such movies to the Internet including Norbit, 2012, and Daddy Day Care.

"I just thank god that you didn't have such access to the Internet back when Battlefield Earth was released," finalized the judge during sentencing.

---------------------

Inspired by the truth

Recently Republicans in Congress saved the Incandescent light bulb from "extinction" when regulations were about to go into effect that would have required higher efficiency standards for light bulbs, which would have led to the reduction in incandescent bulb production and purchases.  Thanks to the general lack of an informed/non-partisan media, there are still some myths about the debate.  This is to help clear all the confusion.

Myth: CFL's bulbs are ugly.

Fact: Incandescent bulbs aren't pretty.  No one has ever looked at an incandescent bulb and remarked, "What a marvelous looking bulb!"  In addition, no one ever looks at their light bulbs, or at the light bulbs in another house.  In fact, light bulbs are probably the least looked at item in a home because they are fucking bright and hurt to stare at.

Myth: CFL's cost more than incandescent bulbs.

Fact: While the initial cost of CFL's is higher than typical incandescent bulbs, the actual cost for price and usage for CFL's is lower as they use much less electricity than incandescent bulbs.   Additionally, CFL's last for much longer periods of time.   The price of CFL's has dropped substantially over the years since they came out over a decade ago, and will continue to drop as LED lighting starts becoming more popular.   CFL bulbs are also hardly the only thing that intially costs more than its competition.  It is common for quality items to cost more upfront, but then lead to better performance and longer lasting life span, like... well... anything else you can buy.  You refuse to buy a $30 shirt because you can get a real cheap one for $4?

Myth: CFL's aren't as bright as incandescent bulbs.

Fact: You could say that about anything.  My flashlight isn't as bright as my car's headlights.  It's comparing apples to oranges.  Lumen to lumen, there is no difference between brightness, as lumens measure the brightness of a bulb.  So compare the lumens, ie look at what you are actually buying, and the CFL bulbs will be dimmer, equivalent, or brighter based on the type of CFL bulb you get.   Do you go to the grocery store and get a package of ground beef without looking at the fat content?

Myth: CFL's are inferior to incandescent bulbs.

Fact: What is this, 2000?  There are dimmable CFL's, three setting CFL's, small CFL's, big CFL's, outdoor CFL's.  Turn off Fox News, go to the store, get some CFL's and save some bloody money already on your electric bill!  You'll bitch and moan about paying higher taxes, but will screw yourself in spite by refusing to enter the 21st century and get energy efficient, longer lasting CFL's.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about CFL bulbs.

WALL STREET -- The DOW was up about 250 points by Noon today as European Banks began engulfing hundreds of billions in bad, risky, probably going to make them bankrupt debt bonds from nations like Italy and Spain who's borrowing rates have dropped significantly since the European banks have apparently given up caring whether their major customers can actually pay up.

"Really, it doesn't matter, 3% or 6%, if the nation defaults, we don't get paid either way," noted Deutche Bank President Van Liemer.

With the recent suck up of national bonds, and the almost certain recession in European nations due to austerity cuts to manage the national debts, the DOW reacted swiftly by going up and up and up.

"We love this shit," stated John Wilson, a floor trader.  "As long as we can allow ourselves to think this will stop a recession, we'll lap it up like a cat laps up cream."

----------------------

Inspired by the truth

WASHINGTON DC -- In a rare twist of support, both Democrats and Republicans are poised to pass a new Defense Department spending bill that includes a provision that would make it legal for the Obama Administration to detain and torture any member of Congress, indefinitely.

"This does come as a shock," noted ABC correspondant George Stephanopoulos.  "This provision from Congress allows Obama to do whatever he wants."

The irony stands in that this is the same Republican Congress that complained about Obama overstepping his authority with regards to the military efforts in Libya among things.

"The passage of this legislation goes in the face of the Fourth Amendment and would probably be found unconstitutional, if it could actually be put before the Supreme Court," noted John Wilson from the Michigan University Law School.  "But it is difficult to have standing in this case because once you have standing, this legislation says you no longer have any Constitutional Rights."

It is unknown if Obama will act to detain Congress or the Republican Party once he signs the legislation.

-------------------------------------------

While somewhat humorous (frightening?), this isn't a farce.  Congress is passing a bill that'll give the Executive Branch Carte Blanche to detain any American citizen, indefinitely.  Sure, they "need" to have a reason, but with no due-process they really don't.

WASHINGTON DC -- A year after a massive pileup accident took the lives of two people, the NTSB is investigating whether not looking at the road while driving and having no hands on the wheel is dangerous.

The accident that occurred in Missouri was allegedly caused by a 19 year old pickup truck driver who had sent or received 11 messages in the 11 minutes leading up to the accident.  The driver's vehicle rear ended a tractor trailer truck, and the driver died in the accident as other vehicles plowed into his vehicle.

"We need to investigate whether not looking at the road while controlling the vehicle with your knee and no hands is dangerous," noted NTSB Chairman Deborah Hersman.

Currently there is a law that prohibits people under the age of 21 in Missouri from driving while no looking at the road, however, it is difficult to enforce such a law.   Hersman noted that the NTSB would also investigate whether driving while not looking at the road is as dangerous for those over 21 as it is for those 21 and under.

A poll that was taken by NTSB indicated that 2 in 10 drivers between the ages of 21 and 24 had driven their vehicle while hardly paying attention to the road whatsoever.   Additionally, the total number of people driving without paying the slightest attention to the road has risen approximately 50 percent last year.

Remember the jokes back in the day... The Toliet Bowl game.  Ha ha...  crude toliet humor about a Bowl game named after a toliet.  It seems these days that College Football might as well start naming these games as such, because of how meaningless they are becoming.

Back in the 1990-91 season, there were 19 bowl games.   That number has nearly doubled... and it isn't because there is great talent that needs to be given a stage.  Among the heros of the Bowl season, The Gator Bowl will pit .500 has-beens of Ohio State (6-6) and Florida University (6-6).  Oh please remind me to DVR that one!  But it isn't just big conferences that are piling into the Bowl Game phone booth... there is the Beef 'o Brady's Bowl which pits 8-4 Florida International verses 6-6 Marshall.

The Conferences (read Cartels) might as well remain the Bowl Series as the "Make a Mockery of the Not-For-Profit Status Bowl Series".  As has been demonstrated, these bowl games can typically cost colleges more money than they make, and those running the Bowls make a nice salary for a "non-profit" organization that does one thing a year.

And to make matters worse, because the Conferences is so busy piling colleges into phone booths, teams that had pretty good seasons Boise State (11-1), TCU (10-2),  Southern Mississippi (10-2) are rewarded with playing the likes of Arizona State (6-6), Louisiana Tech (8-4), and Nevada (7-5), respectively.   With the "smaller" school programs trying to expand their football programs, you'd think there would be emphasis on allowing them to play higher level teams.   But that sort of thinking is flawed as we all know that the Bowl games have nothing to do with determining football ability and everything to do with making money.

To really showcase the lack of quality these additional Bowl Games offer, in 1990-1991, 8 of the 19 bowl games had both teams not ranked.  That number is now 20.  Twenty Bowl games that have neither opponent being ranked.  Fourteen teams have records of .500 or worse, fifteen have records of 7-5.  That means about 2 in 5 teams in bowl games have a record of 7-5 or worse.   Of course, this is to be expected when you have around 70 teams playing in post season college football bowl games.   So we are to be treated to games like Iowa State (6-6) vs Rutgers (8-4), Mississippi St (6-6) vs Wake Forest (6-6), and Texas A&M (6-6) vs Northwestern (6-6).  The best bowl game would be the Fight Hunger Bowl which features an under .500 team in UCLA (6-7) verses, you guessed it... another (6-6) team, Illinois.

Personally, I can't wait for the innovation when they start putting together Celebrity Teams for some colleges to play against.   Until then, I guess College Football has a little bit more room to drop, in order to make a mockery of its own Bowl System.

Major League Baseball is pondering establishing new rules with the current labor agreement coming to an end.  Here are some of the ideas they have been pitching around:

• Increase the chances of a game-changing balks.
• Improve fan interaction by letting the crowd be involved in pitch selection and judge on instant replays
• Expand playoffs to include 4 wild card teams instead of 1, just to screw with the schedulers who have to figure out how to have a playoff system with an odd number of teams.
• Random on the field HGH drug testing during In-Field Fly Rule pop-ups.
• Change the schedule without letting the Yankees or Mets know.
• In case of a tie after nine innings, just end the game because it is likely the outcome won't matter anyways because the season is one hundred sixty-fucking two games long!!!
• Replace the title Designated Hitter (DH) with the title Designated Guy Who Can't Field (DGWCF).
• Allow the fielding team to score runs by pelting the players at bat and base runners with the ball.
• Have an Annual Tribute to Teachers Day where elementary and secondary level teachers are allowed free admission to the ball game to be reminded that their arduous efforts go unappreciated by society as the people in front of them get paid hundreds to thousands of times more money to hit and catch a ball.
• Introduce a new pledge where players and owners say to themselves that Baseball is still the American Pastime and hasn't been maginalized and replaced by the NFL.

NEW YORK, NY -- David Stern announced somberly today that the NBA had accidentally and irreversibly cancelled Christmas this year. "We were making calls, having conferences in order to cancel games and events through December," noted the NBA commissioner. "Unfortunately it has come to our attention that somehow within these events, we cancelled Christmas. We apologize sincerely to everyone."

Stock Exchanges across the globe fell 3% on the news, as Christmas is typically the busiest time of the year for retail stores, with some stores relying on the end of the year sales to put the company in the black for the year. "Without the holiday sales," noted John Emerson, an economic analyst, "many companies may lose money for the year and that is being reflected now in their stock values."

Schools across the nation were also to be let out early so that children could be with their families during this trying event. The City of Philadelphia announced it would make three dozen counselors available for children to be able to help deal with this tragedy.

President Obama announced that he would ask Congress to pass a bill to reinstate Christmas, however, Republicans immediately insisted that any such bill have a condition that the EPA be eliminated.

Blessed are the rich, for they shall inherit the Earth.

Blessed are the job creators, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Amen.

VIENNA, AUSTRIA -- The Holy Lord, God announced today that he was putting off the Apocalypse that was supposed to occur today, on October 21st. The fiery end of the world as we know it was supposed to start some time today, however, The Fear of Issac noted that Harold Camping predicted today would be the day and he didn't want to send the wrong message.

"It was purely coincidental that Harold Camping got the date right," noted the Creator of All Things. "There can be no logical way he could have come up with the date, as I choose it by throwing a dart at the dart board I created."

The Heavenly Father noted that he didn't want Camping to get the idea that he was right. In fact, He Who Shall Not Be Named noted that Camping was likely to pay dearly for his blasphemy of trying to predict the end times.

A rescheduled date was not announced in the conference. The Father of Abraham noted that he'd need to throw another dart to find out when the end of the world was going to happen.

Any questions from the press about this putting into question His omnipotence were met will immediate smiting.