Category: Announcement
UConn Loss - America Stops Pretending to Care
January 17th, 2011SOMEWHERE IN CONNECTICUT, SOME GUY TOLD ME STORRS, BUT I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY. WHO THE HECK WOULD PUT A COLLEGE IN CONNECTICUT IN SOME UNKNOWN PLACE LIKE STORRS. MAYBE HARTFORD -- The recent loss ending the win streak of the UConn women's basketball team has been met with tremendous relief for the nation. The two weeks around their historical victory which combined for the most consecutive wins for any college team, mens or womens, marked an incredible achievement for Americans to lie to others that they care about women collegiate sports.
"Yeah, I cared! I swear, it meant a lot that they broke the record for most consecutive whatevers... free throws right?" noted a person who lives close to the university.
"No team had ever done it. And they broke the guy's record, that must mean it is really special," noted Dick Vitale who swears he knew when UConn broke past 40, 50 and 60 consecutive wins and didn't just find out because of the ESPN2 sports ticker.
Media attention was slow to grow regarding the achievement. But by about the 87th straight win, there was an article in a small town newspaper where one of the starters was from. By the 89th win, organizations including ESPN were having 30 to 60 second long stories on the team. "What this team is achieving," noted Rich Eisen, "is one of the most remarkable things in college sports. Women's basketball is as important as men's basketball."
"What they did was great, seriously. I care about women's colliegate sports! I watch the cheerleading competition every year on ESPN," noted Bob Davis of Stamford, Connecticut.
But despite all the extra attention and coverage and people praising the achievement, once UConn lost to Stanford, there was a collective national sigh of relief. Yahoo searches for the terms "UConn women's basketball" was the number 3 search for two weeks, as Americans worked hard to pretend to care, but since then, "UConn women's basketball" dropped to 105,498.
Some continue to suggest they are interested in women's college basketball. "Oh, I'll watch it, if there are no other games on and I've already seen the latest episode of Madman and The Chapelle Show is on a commerical," noted Tim Lakeman of St. Louis, Missouri. "Yeah, I find it fun to watch."
Big News In Niagara
November 28th, 2008November 28, 2008…
Among the dozens of people braving the cool, damp 32 degree weather in Niagara Falls of Ontario, our two protagonists were venturing along their way from Clifton Hill to the waterfalls. Just clearing the American Falls view, out from depths of the gorge came forth a beautiful fireworks display.
In the light from the fireworks directly in front of them, our valiant male turned around the lady, and with all of his verbal skill from 31 years of being on the planet, mustered to ask (with ring in hand) “Would you like to marry me?”
Completely surprised, our fair maiden (who couldn’t see the ring because of the darkness) responded, “Are you being serious?” Clearly, the magic was in the air as the fireworks continued to ring out above them.
A quick reply of “Very serious” and then a “YES!!!” our protagonists became officially engaged.
Cast:
Valiant Male/fiancé: Richard Hessler
Fair Maiden/fiancée: Tricia Lawrence
Extras: Dozens of strangers