2012 - In the world of cinema there are many types of films. You have the greatest action films. These films include movies that get solid acclaim and maybe some awards. Everything is perfectly crafted. These are rare, but they remain solid over the years. Terminator, The Professional, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Then you have the really good action films. Not as perfectly formed, but certainly very solid films. Die Hard, Marathon Man, The French Connection, Top Gun, X-Men 2.

Then you have the "popcorn flicks". These movies lack something, usually acting or suspense. These films typically are enjoyable because of their pace, perhaps the characters are easy to like. Which one you may enjoy depends on your own personal preferences, but they are popcorn flicks in general. Flawed, but fun. The Transporter, X-Men 3, Independence Day.

Then you have the bottom of the barrel, movies that popcorn can't make up for. Films that were made, possibly as a bet to see if someone can make a worse film. Armageddon, The Core, films that can even boast a significant cast, yet the crafting of the film is poor, typically with an over reliance on special effects. The plot is terrible and the science used to backstop the plot is even worse. The characters are one dimensional and almost always impossible to like. Unfortunately these films sell well in the theater because most people don't care about any of the above and love to see shit blow up on a big screen. These movies are an abortion of cinema and should never be made, but thanks to the lowest common denominator, they sell well and continue to be made.

Then you have 2012. It takes a special craft to be able to make what should be a harrowing ordeal into something so utterly unconvincing that it makes the viewer so ridiculously apathetic. The problem is, when the main characters are driving in a limo, with the city literally imploding in on itself, you can only suspend belief for so long... certainly not the distance from a home to the airport. It gets to a point where there is no suspense at all. So when there is no suspense, you need to rely on the eye candy, of which this film offers none. Sure... the city is imploding, but unfortunately it doesn't actually look real enough. It looks fake and when it looks fake and feels fake and you know everyone is going to live, why am I watching this movie any more?

Seriously, when Danny Glover is on screen and I don't care, that means the movie is really bad. And then you have the cliches... the son that doesn't like the dad... oh... but when dad is in trouble, "we have to wait for my dad". Jebus Christ!

The worst part? Honestly, I think the most unrealistic part of the whole movie was the three point turn Cusack was able to pull off in the camper at the top of a thin ridge near the top of a mountain. I mean, fuck... why even bother having a story if you can make anything happen? Why not say... hey... let's put wings on the Winnebago and fly this thing? Why not put wings on it and then glide to China from the top of a mountain? What? That too implausible? Driving a limo that seems to have the suspension of a Formula One car, through a city with skyscrapers falling everywhere, land just evaporating into the ground, drives through a building that is in the process of collapse, drives underneath a collapsing bridge which apparently only fell slowly enough to scrape the top of the limo, to arrive at the airport and the pilot lying on the ground dead... for apparently no fucking reason. That's all completely feasible but gliding the winged Winnebago off the mountain to China isn't?

The movie has no redeemable quality. Not an actor or actress, no scene, no effect, no nothing! And I only watched the first half of the movie... it being just short of a miracle that I made it that far. I think 2012 managed to beat out Armageddon as my idea of the worst action film of all time. That means something, something really bad. Something really terrible. But not as bad as the movie grossing 3/4's of a billion dollars. For fucking sakes, what is wrong with you people?!

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